Make-A-Wish Kid Wastes Wish on Meeting Jesus

In what doctors and Make-A-Wish coordinators are diplomatically calling “a poorly thought-out investment,” terminally ill 9-year-old reportedly squandered his once-in-a-lifetime wish this week by asking to meet Jesus Christ… someone he’s statistically expected to meet within the next three to six months.

“Look, we try not to judge,” said Make-A-Wish spokesperson. “But we did try to hint that maybe he should go for something a bit more time-sensitive. Like meeting LeBron, or petting a dolphin, or anything that doesn’t already have a 100% probability of happening very soon.”

The organization had spent weeks consulting with priests, theologians, and several megachurch pastors before ultimately realizing the wish was, in their words, “self-fulfilling.”

Ryan’s parents reportedly attempted to redirect him toward more traditional requests such as Disney World or a visit from Batman, but the boy remained adamant. “He just kept saying, ‘No, I want to meet Jesus.’ And we were like, ‘Buddy, you will! You absolutely will. Just… maybe let’s not rush it?’” said his mother.

Make-A-Wish staffers allegedly debated how to “technically” fulfill the request, with one intern suggesting they “just wait it out.”

“From an efficiency standpoint, it’s actually kind of brilliant,” said his wish granting Genie. “This is the first wish where I don’t have to pay for travel, hotels, or a celebrity appearance fee. The Lord works in mysterious and budget-friendly ways.”

In a shocking postscript, heavenly sources confirmed late Sunday that the child did ultimately meet Jesus following complications from his illness. The Son of God allegedly greeted the boy warmly before glancing at a clipboard and sighing.

“Yeah, about that,” Jesus reportedly said. “Looks like there was a mix-up. You’re actually headed downstairs. Sorry, kid. Rules are rules.”