Why Hanukkah Is Both Fake and Something For Which I Am Demanding PTO
Ho Ho Ho! Merry–
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Let me stop you right the fuck there… ASSHOLE!!!
Yeah, some of us are JEWISH!
Some of us are even HALF JEWISH. SOME of us even grew up going to Synagogue, though our parents were basically atheist in terms of belief, but being the only Jews in a Christian community, made it a point to be a part of Jewish COMMUNITY for CULTURAL and FAMILIAL reasons rather than for the RELIGIOUS VALUES.
So yeah, believe and trust that I know Hanukkah is basically not a real holiday, especially the way me and mine do it. But here’s why I’m gonna go ahead and need some goddamn PTO for it.
Historical Importance:
Oh god, I forgot to learn this in Hebrew school. Shit. Well, here goes nothing:
Hanukkah is basically the celebration of a group of I guess Jewish people called… the Applebees. And they are stuck in the temple because their war opponents, who are called I think Antichungus, locked them in. And not a fun or horny lock-in like middle school. A Jewish lock in. An anxious lock in. Bathrooms ravaged by IBS, one can only assume.
So these Jews are basically like, “Oy! Hokey shmokel! We only have enough oil to make greasy latkes for this one night!” And then they ended up reusing it and making latkes for eight nights in a row.
So we burn candles for the eight days of Hanukkah to basically say, like… Hooray?
Oh fuck!! There’s also Hamen, the evil trickster! Does anyone know what his deal is supposed to be? If so, do NOT contact me to let me know–I do NOT care!!!
Proximity to Christmas:
These days, we honor the Applebees (or actually I think it’s the “McKenzies” or something), by saying prayers around a menorah and giving slash getting eight whole presents, one for each holy night. Ostensibly, this “tradition” emerged because we as Jews were sort of “clocking” what was going on with “Christmas” and we saw an opening. A GAPING opening.
I believe that how it went down was sorta like, “well now that Christmas shuts down the whole world for a couple days, why not pretend like we have our own thing and take two breaks from work in one month.”
A predictably genius move on the part of a people who, as far as I’ve experienced, tend to intellectualize rather than cultivate sexual desirability.
TRADITION, ever heard of it?
As an extremely mature, early 20 something adult, my experience of Hanukkah has consisted of forgetting to FaceTime my parents to do the candles almost every day, due to being at one of my various restaurant jobs, or at the plans I made out of negligence. This is no way to honor my… um… ancestors…!
Legal Requirement
I’m leveling with you, okay? I’m not gonna spin some story about my faith and the time off that I need to be with good ol’ G Hyphen D. But I am gonna put my foot down on this time off. Or you’ll be hearing from my family lawyer.
Oh, you assumed I have a lawyer in my family because we’re JEWS?? What the hell is wrong with you?
Yeah, ironically our lawyer is actually an evangelical Christian man who specializes in Agricultural Law, assisting my shiksa mom and goyim granny manage the family farm. You do NOT want a call from him, trust me. PTO, please and thank you!
Oh really? We don’t “do” PTO here? Because we’re a “restaurant?” Wow. WOW. Not even for a RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY?! WOWWWWWWW.