RFK Just Had To Cough, Sounds Better

It was the cough heard ‘round the world

After hours of sitting in his confirmation hearing, lying to the American people about how for-profit healthcare isn’t the issue, and offering no alternatives to our private insurance-ladened shitsack called the US Healthcare System, it has been reported that RFK’s voice has been restored to its prior, strong, stallion-like resonance. All it took was a ground quaking cough that ricocheted throughout the halls of congress and had locals alerting first responders. 

“Ok, yeah, he was just telling me about a time he found a decaying mountain lion carcass and took it home. He workshopped and finally perfected a new ‘lion zuppa’, I think he said it was back in ‘94, when Friends the iconic, TV-breaking show premiered. Then a look came over his face, like he had a vision from That’s So Raven, and all of the sudden his eyes rolled in the back of his head, like Ellen-Nosferatu-style, and he let out a deafening scream, like Munch’s ‘The Scream’!” Said Gina, the Senate Page and media enjoyer.

“Let me be very clear! It was like a fire breathing dragon. Or like when a dad sneezes, but it was a cough! He coughed really loud. I couldn’t. believe it.” mentioned Bernie Sanders. 

“A lot, and I mean a lot, of dust came out.” Described the Congressional Hall’s Janitor, Bill, who spent the rest of his Thursday vacuuming that shit up. 

What came next surprised people. RFK opened his mouth to reveal the stunning sound of a stallion’s neigh, and then reportedly went right into Cynthia Erivo’s Defying Gravity run from the movie musical Wicked. The Hall erupted in applause.

“I have to say I was a little bit delighted. Only silver lining. Yet still disappointed. We have so much to do and so little time. I guess if we have to hear him for the next few years, though, it might as well sound good. We have got to tax the rich.” concluded Senator Sanders.

RFK has ironically declined to comment.