Paige Bueckers (UCONN) Ejected from Game for Using God to Enhance Her Performance
On Wednesday, March 28th, point guard Paige Bueckers of the UCONN Huskies, was ejected from a NCAA tournament game for using the power of the man upstairs. Christians: left in shock and sort of jealous, Bueckers: distraught and holy, and the entire tournament game: burned to hell.
It was halfway into the third quarter when the disaster struck. UCONN was up 47-38 against the LSU Tigers when Bueckers, fresh off the bench and pumped full of blue Gatorade, stepped onto the court. As she high fived her teammate to sub into the game, Bueckers proceeded to clench her hand into a fist, hit her chest, and raise her long and agile index finger into the air. For the audience, it was too quick to even notice, but they didn’t have to because God did.
Seconds after, UCONN became in possession of the ball, and Bueckers swiftly pulled up to the three-point line with the ball and the power of faith. A dime. A swift and beautiful basket. Out of excitement, Bueckers raised her hands in the air and held up the, “Okay” symbol with her hands. In basketball terms, this symbol translated to, “Hello, I just shot a three-pointer.” The crowd began to chant, “Paige! Paige! Paige!” They had no idea what they had just summoned.
All of a sudden, the devil himself, Mr. NCAA-bad-boy Rodney Rickens, crashed through the ceiling of the UCONN stadium onto the gym floor directly behind Bueckers out of her sight. Kerplunk! Rodney Rickens knew he had to get Paige’s attention, so he put himself in a table-top position with his knees and palms on the floor, and waited for her to trip. Paige’s teammates yelled out to her. “Watch out!” “You’ll be killed!” “I can’t bear to watch!” Their cries weren’t heard in time, and Bueckers took the ultimate tumble.
The broadcast of the game suddenly stopped, Everyone’s memories were erased, and all that remained on site of the UCONN stadium grounds was a severed arm holding a concessions order of nachos. However, our exclusive field correspondent at TNR received a special interview with Paige Bueckers herself which tells all:
Marsha Basketball (TNR Field Correspondent): So Paige, tell me. What’s with this vendetta that Rodney Rickens had against you?
Paige Bueckers: He’s an infamous table-topper. I’ve heard about guys like him, but I never thought I’d meet one in real life who still… like… does that?
Marsha Basketball: So cruel. Why though, Paige? Why you?
Paige: Well it’s a long story after the broadcast shut off I hit my head on the gym floor and got a concussion that knocked me unconscious and while I was asleep I had these insane dreams. Rodney appeared in one of my dreams and said that he did this because he saw me praying to God on the court and I was like yeah I do that so what and he was like bro you literally can’t do that because everyone knows that God makes you better at basketball so like knock it off and I was like well bro this is my faith and then he basically burned the whole stadium down and I was like please chill?
Marsha Basketball: Wow, that’s a crazy story.
Paige Bueckers: No yeah it was it was traumatic and then he banned me from every playing in the WNBA because I used God as a performance enhancement but it feels sexist to me because what else am I supposed to do if I can’t even take regular steroids?
Marsha Basketball: You want to take steroids?
Paige Bueckers: No I want to get my strength from God because it’s more affordable and he’s honestly a nice guy.
Marsha Basketball: I don’t know what’s happening. Let’s move on. How have you been recovering from the concussion.
Paige Bueckers: Clearly not good Marsha my eyes are dangling outside of my head and my whole head is flattened like a pancake meaning some of my brain is slowly oozing out of my ears.
Marsha Basketball: And now for a commercial break.
A big thanks to our field correspondent, Marsha Basketball, for this story. More to come!