“Why Doesn’t This Baby Like Me?” -Guy Who Only Has Situationships and Thinks He’d Be a Really Good Father
On June 41st, 2026.5, a recording device was left in a room at a family reunion in Atlanta, Canada to observe recently arrested Brian Mason. A former linebacker on his high school JV football team, Manson was recently arrested on two counts: being an annoying bigot, and child neglect. The Atlanta County Police Department released the following transcript of a private conversation between Manson and his sister’s newborn son, Toby:
“Seriously? You’re crying? What the hell are you crying for? I asked to hold you so politely. I said, ‘Can I hold him?’ Now this is the thanks I get? You’re embarrassing me, bro! Your mom, my sister, is a fucking loser, you know that? She went to college for Elementary School Education, so she can what? Teach kids? Everybody knows that teachers are liberal brokies. Sorry, you’re a baby and shit, so I should clarify that ‘brokies’ are broke homies. Broke homies are people with no money. You REALLYYY don’t want to be one, and on my watch, as your devoted uncle, that’ll never happen to you over my dead, hot body. SHHHH. PLEASE. STOP CRYING. I seriously don’t get your deal. Why don't you like me? Did your dad say some shit about me? Well he’s a fucking pussy anyway. Yeah, yeah, he’s a fucking pussy. One time he held the door open for a big group of people at a basketball game, like bro, just walk away and let them hold it themselves. One of the girls was in a wheelchair too, so like statistically, she can get through the door faster on wheels… Shhhh please oh my god! What do you want? I’m not a mind reader! That reminds me, little dude, you are soooo not ready for the dating world. It’s rough out here, man. My last girlfriend–I mean… endeavor… wanted me to read her mind at all times. How was I supposed to know that she wanted to be ‘asked on dates?’ OOPS! Sorry for dropping you there, Tobster, hand-air-quotes were absolutely necessary for that line. But seriously! We weren’t even dating! Sure, I told her I loved her. Sure, she was the only one I was seeing for six months. And sure, I told my whole family about her, but it was so unfair for her to get mad at me when I was never her boyfriend! You’ll learn, Toby, that all women do is disappoint. I think I’m just going to have a kid on my own, now that I think about it. A formula baby. You know? A formula baby! A baby who’s asexual and doesn’t like boobs! Then, I wouldn’t have to be tied down to a relationship, and I’d have a best friend. Okay, Jesus, stop screaming your fucking head off! Are you hungry? I don’t have any milk on me, but I have this Feastables chocolate bar in my pocket–fuck it melted. Okay, Toby, I need to go pop in a Zyn, so wait here on the kitchen counter until I get back.”
Shortly after this altercation, Toby’s mother, Frances, ran into the room just in time to prevent her newborn son from falling to his early demise. Brian Manson will now serve a sentence of forever years in the Atlanta County Prison. Be sure to tune into TNR’s latest update on this story: “The Time I Almost Killed Another Stupid Bitch,” An Exclusive interview with Manson’s Bunkmate at the Atlanta County Prison.