The Worst Country You Know Won't Shut Up About Her 250th Birthday

Heeeeeyyyyyyyy guyyyyssss, it's me, America…I saw no one said yes to the Partiful I sent out about my 250th next week, which is weird because I've been talking about it for a while now so like… are you guys mad at me??? I know things haven't been “perfect” lately but come on, do you reeeeaaalllllly want to think about that? Or do you want to get shitfaced on a boat with Joey Chestnut? Yeah, that's what I thought!

Remember last year when we shotgunned all those red white and blue four lokos while double fisting four red white and blue shotguns? Wasn't that so fun you guys??? And then that one guy blew off his hand in a firework mishap but couldn't go to the ER because calling an ambulance would have put him in decades worth of medical debt? (Lol can you believe I'm almost 250 and I still don't have universal healthcare? ummmmm adulting much?? #lifeiscraaaazzzzyyy 🤪🤪🤪) BUT LIKE THE MEMORIES AWWWWW, wasn't that sooooo fun you guys???

I know you guys all looooovvedd how I ended last years party with a follow up party (#margaritas4dayz),,, but I do want to squash the rumor that I'd be having a third party this year. How would that even work??? We introduce a whole new DJ??? Who plays songs that people might like way better than the first two DJs??? You guys, that would make the first two DJs really sad. Do you want my favorite billionaire DJs bought out I mean sponsored by Exxon Mobile and Palantir, to be sad??? Guuuuyyyyyysssss this is supposed to be fun 😫

“hOw cAn iT bE FuN, aMeRiCA? tHE vIbEs Are ThE wOrSt tHeY’vE BeEN sInCe ReAgAn” are you joking? What's more fun than a strip search, credit score check, social media screening, drug test, background check, and a $2,500 cover upon entry to my party? Safety first, am I right or am I right? No I'm totally kidding, I would NEVER subject anyone to a background check. That would violate your rights. And I <3 the right!

So, with all that out of the way, I hope all of you girlie pops are down for a super low key super chill (but not really bc it's gets hotter every summer 🥵💀) hot girl summer birthday extravaganza extreme to celebrate the only country in the world with her own trillionaire AND more than half a million citizens that can't afford housing. #recordsetlerfromday1 #letsburnthisshitdown! #250ismyyear!

Pregame at 9:00, Kid Rock is performing! BYOB