FUCK YOU: The Trapdoor Waterslide That Cleaved Me In Twain Along My Vagina Crack

OH, I’M A FOOL! Lord, please forgive me, for I can never do as I’m told, try as I might!!

‘Twas a fateful day at Six Flags Hurricane Harbour in the land of Gurnee in the Kingdom of Illinois.

I, with my cousins in tow, spent a blissful morning and early afternoon in the lazy river and the wave pool. We’d even traversed a few of the tube slides.

But there was one attraction so beguiling–so terrifying–so treacherous–there was barely a line. The trapdoor waterslide.

As its name may imply, the trapdoor waterslide is an incredibly steep chute, wherein one stands on a platform and is shut into a chamber. At the cue of an apathetic teen lifeguard, the platform drops, instantly sending the victim flying downwards.

So violent is the force, the apathetic teen tells you to cross your legs, one over the other, on the descent. But I am just so, so naughty, and I just don’t listen, no matter how many times I’m told!!

On that fateful day, I stood, trembling on the platform, the teen urging me, “Can you, um, cross your legs, like, tighter, please?” But alas, I didn’t heed his words.

Before I knew it, I was dropping, dropping, dropping, and my legs were spread like butter on toast.

The fall was a wet, ecstatic blur, which gave way to regret as I reached the receiving pool, no longer one person but two perfectly symmetrical halves. I had been sliced cleanly in twain, like so many apples (or pears I guess based on my body shape), along the crack of my vagina and butt. Even as I type this, I’m still really annoyed about this because it’s awkward typing when your body is split in half. Fuck you waterslide and DAMN this naughty attitude of mine!! Ladies, let this be a lesson to NEVER spread your legs!!