Out mogged by a dog. Outwitted by a football and me, Lucy. Out of Turkey with a scalp full of pus pools. I'm referring to St Paul, Minnesota's very own Charlie Brown, and our shame for him this year far surpasses any other. Growing up locally, I always observed Charlie Brown as a sort of local punching bag due to his pathetic, "woe is me" nature and bald head, and his reputation after the events of this year's Blackout Wednesday renders him more scorned than ever.
Charlie Brown's new hairplugs are awful and disgusting and I used to feel guilty for faking him out every time he went to kick a football, but I recognize now I was teaching him an important lesson: he will never learn and he deserves to get his ass kicked for that. Charlie Brown pulled up to Blackout Wednesday at St. Paul Brewery with a stench that entered the building before he physically did. Schroeder, who was DJing, cut the music. A buzz of murmurs engulfs the room, distinct mentions of "Pig Pen" erupting through the white noise. Pig Pen, however, had been chased out of the city after we stopped masking and the town had realized how stinky he really was. As something grew closer to the entrance, beers went flat and people seemed to sober up upon looking at who was entering. Charlie Brown, no longer bald, but with physics defying hair sticking straight up in the air and greasy hair long enough it was leaving a snail trail behind him, brought his putrid new form closer. The hair itself looked strong, but also as if the hair of a Polly Pocket and a Furby had banged it out, and then got electrocuted.
It was no secret that Snoopy and Charlie Brown were no longer on speaking terms, and often acted as if the other did not exist. This was a result of Snoopy's mayoral win depending on him ditching Charlie Brown as a friend. Charlie's plugs were so upsetting, Snoopy burst into tears, and the entire city followed. Peppermint Patty and her horde of pitchfork wielders and flamed torch carriers chased Charlie Brown to Minneapolis.
Charlie Brown was never empowered or confident enough to make decisions for himself, and these hair plugs are far too bold for him to have acted of his own volition. I will admit, I lost track of him after high school, and I assumed he either went out of state for college or got swept away in a strong gust of wind, so I suppose I never knew adult Charlie Brown. Linus, Franklin, and even his sister Sally brought him up so little, that every Blackout Wednesday it came as a complete shock to me he was still around.
I was actually working on a reverse obituary for him during Blackout Wednesday 2025, something that declared him as still alive, and interviewed Marcie. She had an obsessive crush on Charlie Brown when we were growing up, and I figured she would help me write the reverse obituary. "Charlie Brown grew into a vacuous young man, as desolate as his bald head", said Marcie. Marcie is now too hot for him due to her huge naturals and academic success.
I still work part time as a psychiatrist, for 5 cents a consultation. Charlie Brown came and visited me and I had a chance to ask why he did what he did. "I didn't want Marcie when she was a busted fugly nerd, but now that she's hot, I wanted her so bad I thought plugs would work on her". Good grief, Charlie Brown.