Review: Hooking Up With A Disney On Ice Performer
Disney on Ice. A show that I’ve never seen. I can only imagine what goes down there–probably a lot of falling. Probably a lot of Frozen Movie. Probably a lot of moms who like to watch Olympic figure skating and fantasize about making love to a lithe, strong, gay man. I wouldn’t know, because, as mentioned earlier, I’ve never seen it. Even after I hooked up with a guy who performs in it.
His name was Fredrick, and he played the character of Blaide.
Blaide is the metrosexual villain from Disney’s upcoming film, Dreamer Clouds, which has yet to be released. According to Fredrick, this new film features amorphous lumps that are born grey and eventually become one of six colors. The plot follows the journey of one amorphous lump who doesn’t quite fit in with any of the six colors. The colors represent political parties but also mean nothing at all. Also, the main lump has a purse to indicate she’s a female. Blaide is a purple lump who bullies the main lump and wears hats with feathers in them as well as white nail polish on its lump fingernails.
Frederick himself was not metrosexual, though he was bi for clout. We met at a popup experience in Lincoln Park that was ice cream themed but legally different from the Museum of Ice Cream. He was doing a tequila shot out of an ice cream cone that was actually made out of ice cream itself. Meanwhile, nearby, I was eating a maraschino cherry that was shaped like a classic Chicago beef sandwich with sprinkles that were shaped like au jus. We locked eyes, instantly knew where the night was headed, and wordlessly shared a marg tower.
Then we went back to his tour bus, which was parked in the Wrigley Field overflow lot. Frederick showed me to his middle bunk, where we proceeded with over-the-clothes hand stuff. Eventually, Frederick’s bunk-mates, who played Anna and Elsa, arrived home and started hooking up themselves. They were both clearly having a way better time than we were, and Frederick got so insecure, he rolled over with such force that I was ejected from the bed and out the window onto the pavement of the overflow lot. So embarrassing!
The next day, I hit Fredrick up for a comp ticket to Disney on Ice so I could write a review. He texted back “totally!” and then sent me a link to the Ticketmaster page where one could purchase tickets. No comp code forthcoming.
Then one of my friends sent me a TikTok Fredrick had just posted where he shuffled around sadly to the song “Manchild” by Sabrina Carpenter, captioned “when u forget to bring ur Hims on tour so u keep striking out.” Well, that explains that! I commented, “bro took ‘hidden Mickey’ too literally,” then blocked him on everything. 4 out of 10 stars.