A Pastry Most Foul: Day Ruined by Café’s Flavor Experiment Gone Wrong
We all want to support the little guy. “Shop local, shop local, shop local,” they say! Well, frankly, I’ll shop locally when the café on the corner stops ruining my day. These places are out of control. It’s like they’re trying to outdo each other in a competition for ‘Most Disgusting Flavor Combination Known to Man’. It’s one thing to charge me ten dollars for a coffee, but it’s another thing when my drink tastes like motor oil and bubblegum backwash.
This is a call-out post. Enough is enough.
If the unique tang of rooftop rainwater is what I want, I would go to Dunkin’ Donuts. At least then I wouldn’t have to dip into my 401k! Instead, I’m drinking a latte that’s literally listed as the ‘Sewer Water Brew’ on the menu. Not to mention the horrifying gluten-free/vegan abomination of a croissant on an eighteen-dollar plate from Anthropologie.
I’m not saying I’m anti-gluten-free or vegan (don’t come for me, kids). I’m just saying that if you’re going to be doing all that, maybe don’t make the flavor profile musty barley. To make matters worse, it clashed with my Sewer Water and cost more than my braces as a teenager.
Whatever happened to a good old chocolate croissant? A vanilla latte? Even an adventurous flavor, like lavender, is delicious. I’m hip! Hell, I happen to prefer oat milk. However, the smoked raspberry trout milk matcha is just not for me. Sometimes, coffee should just be coffee. Get away from me with that Americano Sunrise nonsense (a shot of espresso over orange juice? Are you insane?). I personally, am not a freak. Nor will I open another credit card to pay for these freakish drinks.
I’m a simple woman, with simple needs, and a desire for coffee and a little treat. Not whatever they’re brewing up in what used to be a women’s shelter. Each time I order some concoction at one of these places, I can’t help but wonder how many low-income apartments these buildings could hold.
Until the classics become en vogue again, I’ll be here, choking down my twenty-four dollar “delicacies”. The flavor of smoked trout lingers with every sip.