REAL LIFE RAINBOW ROAD: CTA Budget Cuts Leading to More Gay Drivers

The CTA is staring down the tracks at one of its most drastic budget pitfalls ever seen. Chicagoans everywhere are dreading the number one result of service decline: gay drivers. 

No one likes gay people on the road. This is not a homophobic statement. Not even gay people like gay people on the road. In the last five years, there has been a steady decline in the number of gay driver’s licenses issued. This has been attributed to a few different root causes…

77% of gay people feel like they’d queen out too hard on the road, crashing their car.

85% of gay people says they have driving anxiety 🙁

53% of gay people feel like driving is a heternormative activity 

-”Only two seats up front, what if I’m in a throuple?”

-”The center console implies we need to be leaving room for Jesus.”

-”Which one of you drives and which one is the girl?”

However, 100% of gay drivers are incentivised to keep off Chicago roads because of the CTA.

“I’m really afraid of what is to come” says CTA rider, Amanda “Scissor Sister” Hynes. “I would literally rather them take away gay marriage than 24/7 service for the redline.”

In response, many Pride events in Northalsted will be having train-shaped donation buckets during events. There will also be a few different CTA specific events such as “CTA (C Them Asses) burlesque night”, “The All Aboard LGBT bar crawl”, and “Leather Line: A pup train takeover”. 

“It’s a really emotional thing for us”, says C Them Asses organizer Duke Popperton. “Not only does the CTA keep us from driving but so many gay people have so much nostalgia there. Taking the CTA to your first drag show, heading home from your first gay hookup, passing out after spending a little too long at Steamworks. The queer younger generation are entitled to live those experiences too.”

The only thing Tease & Resist loves more than gay people is seeing gay people on trains. Message your local representatives on Grindr, donate directly to the CTA, or at the very least… clean up your own drunk vomit next time. Everyone, gay or straight, deserves reliable public transportation.