FUCK YOU: BOG BODIES
Bog bodies. A natural phenomenon that has mystified living humans for centuries. Northern Europe’s peat bogs have a unique chemical composition that causes human bodies buried there to become naturally preserved mummies. Dating back as early as 200 B.C., these bog bodies are the fascinating stuff of anthropologists’ dreams, right?
Okay, yeah, let’s pump the breaks. Sorry, but this is just plain weird. Guys, let’s be normal!!! Let’s die in coffins or something and not randomly just become mummies for no reason?? Like are you kidding?
These fuckers piss me off. I’m all for letting your freak flag fly, but come on. Da fuck? Yeah, last I checked, human bodies are supposed to uhhhhh, decompose? Not turn into literal peat while their bones dissolve. Like, ew? Why is it suddenly totally chill to turn squishy and fascinating and force anthropologists and museum curators to touch on you?
Body positivity has gone too far this time. Like, look at this gross freak:
This famous bog body is named Gallagh Man from Ireland. I mean, at first you hear Man from Ireland, and you think, like, Paul Mescal, right? Awesome! But then you see this dude and you’re like, oh… Yeah, the only thing this has in common with Normal People is that it’s bumming me the fuck out.
I saw this guy at a museum on a family trip to Dublin when I was 16, and let me tell you, this picture is right on the money. He looks like a whole lot of beef jerky. The kind that’s been in the glove compartment since you were a teenager and would def give you diarrhea.
Jesus Christ. Don’t even get me started on the Tollund Man from 14th century Denmark. My patience ends with that little fucking hat. Like… my god. My eyes have never rolled so hard. Ever heard of “life is for the living?” Ever heard of leaving your estate to your loved ones? You’re telling me you literally had an extremely stylish, fabulous hat and you just like, kept it on? And let it turn into peat? That’s legit one of the most selfish things I’ve ever heard, and I should know because I’m considered extremely selfish myself.
Look, I just don’t like this shit, okay? “Oh wow we can discover so much about what life was like back then through studying these–” shut the fuck up!!!! I can tell from one glance everything you need to know about these bog bodies when they were living–they are freaking fugly as hell!!! Yuck! I wouldn’t go there, and I’ve fucked on a lot of genuine creeps.
When I die, keep me far, far away from peat. I shudder to think of my peat body perfectly preserved forever, probably wearing, like, some peat jeans with a rip in the crotch. A thousand years from now, some anthropologist could find my peat Baggu large crescent bag, full of peat lotions and a peat notebook with pretty much nothing written in it, and win a big award. That should be my science prize, you asshole. Jesus, it’s so embarrassing I feel sick. Take these bog bodies out of my sight.