Logan Square Polycule Secedes from the United States Following Toxic Living Situation

Early Wednesday evening, Substack user LesbianMaoZedong67 published a 9,000-word notes app screenshot announcing their seven-member, ethically-non-monogamous relationship’s intent to secede from the United States and form a new “micronation.” 

The hastily-written manifesto outlines the objectives of the polycule, including sex positivity, free rent and a chronic illness-informed, equitable chore schedule.

“The seven of us and all of our sexual partners should be able to hump and free-bleed simultaneously in our studio apartment,” said representative Sock Kissinger in a press briefing held Thursday evening at New Wave Coffee in Logan Square. “Not everyone can afford more than seventy-five dollars in rent, especially without support from GoFundMe donors or financially submissive Twitter followers.”

Logan Square, previously known across the city as a safe haven for mullet-headed natural-deodorant-users, is at increasingly interconnected, confusing and nasty crossroads.

“We feel for their situation in my office, but there’s not much that can be done,” explained an anonymous official from the City of Chicago. “That many mediocre nonbinary people bumping fronts in a 375-square-foot apartment is not only ultra gross, but a massive fire hazard.”

Kissinger and their polycule, dubbed the Box Munchers by their director of public relations,  flatly rebuke accusations of safety risks. According to Kissinger, polycule members exclusively blow smoke from their “regenerative, ethical doobies” out of the window.

The polycule’s intended territory consists of a rental property, which has caused some delay in their official nationhood, which, according to Kissinger, “will resolve itself eventually, unlike the continued exploitation of native peoples by the fascists in Washington.”

“While our nation is one of liberation and freedom for all those who boink in it, we would be remiss not to mention that the Box Munchers have settled on 375 square feet of the stolen homelands of the Anishinaabe, Ojibwe, Odawa and Potawatomi Nations,” said Kissinger in their press conference.

Sock and their polycule remain steadfast in their struggle for recognition; and neighbors seem to agree.

Greg Dawson, a fellow resident of the polycule’s apartment building, says he has “had enough” of the sights, smells and controversy associated with the polycule.

“I want them out of the building,” Dawson exclaimed. “If screwing six uggos at once entitled you to free rent, nobody in that building would be paying. I feel like the only normal person in an eight block radius.”

Dawson, a corporate consultant who commutes to the Loop via Toyota Camry each morning, says that in spite of his progressive viewpoints, there are certain limits to his tolerance.

“This is too much, even for me,” Dawson says, brushing ZYN dust off of his starched khakis. “And I’m pretty sure my second favorite coworker at Bain is a gay dude. So, yeah.”

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