Signs You As A Gay Girl Are Overdue For a Freaky Little Haircut
Look, gay people, times are tough. Straight people dress gayer and gayer everyday. Granola girls have coopted carabiners, Doc Martins is making Kiki Boots, and I saw a straight couple in Boystown wearing matching flat brims and Carhartts. Straight men have taken over Scarlet and they don’t even have a beginner’s grasp on the concept of a he/him lesbian. We HAVE to face the facts: a freaky little haircut may be the only way to maintain community. As a broke chungus dyke, I know first hand how a good razor cut in Logan Square can really disrupt a tight budget. That’s why I’ve made this helpful guide so you know exactly when it’s time to open that credit card and get it done, diva:
1. People keep asking if you and your gay guy are a couple. Woah... This one can be deceiving for the uninitiated. At first you may think awww wait, that's kind of cute and he is so handsome, like a little prince! But it’s time to get real with yourself. While it’s awesome to dance with your gay guy at the club, if you had to commit to a lavender marriage with him you two would simply not be compatible. I mean seriously, who would do the dishes?? GET THAT HAIRCUT, BABE.
2. No one you've been introduced to is asking your pronouns. Girl... you look cis as FUCK. Now I know what you’re thinking, some gay people are cis. While that is true, if straight people aren’t worried about misgendering you it’s because you yourself look straight... and not like trade, like Morgan Wallen straight like, BAD. It’s time to get more androgynous NOW.
3. The table of gay guys you’re serving doesn’t laugh at your jokes and tip you 35% Crap. This is where your haircut can start to affect your livelihood. Without a pixie, shag, or buzzcut, let’s face it you might not be able to make rent. Getting an expensive haircut may seem like a poor financial decision for a broke piece of shit like yourself, but in reality it’s like bitcoin... I think...I don’t really know what that is. My point is it’s an investment in your career. No successful woman ever got to the top without cutting a few microbangs.
If you have yet to experience any of these telltale signs you can hold out a couple more weeks.
You know you are in this inbetween phase if your weird coworker is asking you things like “So do you have a boyfriend... or I mean, uh partner... or whatever?” This means, you may not look definitively gay but you’re at least giving bi, confused, and/or queerbaiter. That’s not so bad is it? Once you arrive at the salon a sure fire way to know you made the right decision is if your hairdresser keeps saying things like: “are you sure?” “we can always go shorter but we can’t go longer” and “does your boyfriend know we’re doing this?”. Phew, that was a close one. If you had waited one more day Fox News would have contacted you to be an ex-gay rightwing grifter.
Stay safe out there lesbos and remember: money isn’t forever, but a choppy fucked up haircut is... also not forever and something you have to put a lot of work into maintaining, actually.