Coming to Terms with the Fact That Your Son is Neither Gay Nor Interesting
Hey, Mama! Done fujoing out over your Heated Rivalry to yaoi pipeline? Have you emerged from your cave to look around and realize your own son is as bland as your cooking and gasp a hetero? You’ve paid for the mandatory dance lessons, you lied and told him football was against your religion. Your attempt to make him Heather from next door's GBF ended up crashing and burning when he brought Heather home as his…girlfriend (knife emoji). Well, you could always give it one last go. We here at TNR would NEVER suggest pimping out your teenage son. However, there’s nothing wrong with a boy falling face-first into the eager waiting lap of his male friend after receiving a swift kick from his cool mom. Will this work? Probably not. So, what now? Well, mama, if you’re over 40, you love a modled list. Grab your Stanley knockoff, put on those pyramid scheme leggings, fluff your lob, and strap in.
Step One: Denial
He could be bi! As you’ve recently been told by your boring lesbian daughter (call me when a steamy softcore sapphic softball show hits Netflix, and then we’ll talk), bisexuals exist. Is it too much to ask for them to be cuffing their jeans under your own roof? He’s seen Steven Universe, which could be a sign. Encourage him to start reading literature. You never know what could happen…
Step Two: Anger
Mr. and Mrs. Grande have Frankie! Why not me? Mama, calm down and take a bubble bath. Your anger is valid. As a little girl, all you dreamed of was having a little boy light in the platformed iced out crocs. You couldn’t have known he’d prefer the touch of a woman. Channel your anger into scrapbooking. Also, your daughter keeps asking to talk? Besides, if you yell at him, he might turn into a Republican.
Step Three: Bargaining
If only you bought him action figures with rippling muscles or pointed out how strapping Mufasa was when you showed him The Lion King. Hell, even that twink from Atlantis could’ve done the trick. It’s not your fault. You tried everything you could. It was probably your husband's fault.
Step Four: Depression
You don’t need our help with this one, Queen.
Step Five: Acceptance
Xander will never be gay and therefore will never be interesting. Fine. Well, what can we do? Have you considered supervising the local GSA your daughter’s president of? That’ll shatter your polished perception of the queer community real fast. You’ll send your PFLAG application back the second a Marxist furry asks you what your favorite Lemon Demon song is. Face it, Mama, you can’t handle real Queers.
Congratulations on facing the music (we know how many times you’ve streamed that remix of All the Things She Said). Now you can go back to your life of reading your precious Colleen Hoover smut with problematic overtones. Still not over it? There’s always adoption.