Teen Ruins Easter Brunch by Doing Math on Grandparent’s Age Gap Relationship

A quiet, nondescript split-level home stands nestled between sequoia trees on Jocelyn Ave. The Duncans are settling in for their annual Easter dinner. Joining hands are the usual suspects: Mom, Dad, and 16-year-old Jessica Duncan. Eagle-eyed viewers may point out a wagging tawny tail peeking out from under the off-white tablecloth. This Sunday, their table, which normally seats four, has been expanded to fit six upon the arrival of the eldest members of the Duncan clan. It’s not out of the ordinary for these polyester-clad Grandparents to make an appearance on the Christian Holidays, but today the air hangs heavy. Jessica Duncan dared to ask a question.

“Nanna, tell me about meeting Papa.”

An innocuous request at first–Mama Duncan sucks in a breath; twenty years ago, she’d made the same mistake.

THE FOLLOWING IS OUR BEST APPROXIMATION OF WHAT TRANSPIRED:

NANA: (misty-eyed) Oh, goodness, that was a long, long, long time ago. It’s a funny story…

MAMA: Maybe a little too long ago…The weather’s been nice.

JESSICA: No, no! Please tell us, Nana. Tell us how you fell in love!

Nana Duncan proceeds to explain that she and Papa had actually met several times before getting acquainted. Officially settling that they had met at Roosevelt High School. “Class of ‘56,” Papa exclaims as Nana proudly muses, “Class of ‘74”. After a second of confusion, Jessica recalled being told that her Papa had a brief stint as a janitor at his alma mater. She held her tongue, sure she had misheard.

PAPA: I actually found a hilarious picture of us the other day.

He then proceeded to reach into his heels loose waistband to reveal… his iPhone 2. He pulled up a scan of a faded photograph of a smiling 18-year-old version of himself next to a teenager she recognized as her great-grandmother on her Nana’s side. Horrified, her eyes dropped down to her great-grandmother’s pregnant belly.

PAPA: (chuckling) I guess you could say that’s when we first met! Oh, high school…

Jessica, a below-average math student, took two minutes of silence to subtract her grandparents’ ages. A truly impressively delayed gasp left her mouth. Her parents frowned. The family dog threw up. Easter was ruined.

Jessica Duncan is in talks with Netflix to turn her story into a 437-part miniseries produced by Ryan Murphy.