Places I Plan To Accidentally Bump My Mons Pubis This Summer!
Sunshine, warmth, and fun!
Shorts, sunglasses, flip flops, sunburn, sand in a crevice, wedgie, bikini thong, and bump bump bumpin’ my mons.
It’s undeniable. When summer hits, my mons pubis is out front and center. Without a big, long puffer coat or a professional pair of slacks, there’s nothing to protect my vagina but a thin pair of shorts and my favorite lady, my mons. Based on summers past, I can reasonably assume this summer will have me accidentally bumping into things–mons pubis first–left, right and center.
1- Train turnstile
Y’all, can we agree, driving in the summer is, like, the most ironic thing EVER?! I’m taking public transit because I’ve got lots of places to go, and no interest in further polluting our beautiful planet! Unfortunately, this does mean my mons is getting slammed into the turnstyle time and time again. Sorry girl, but you’re at just the wrong height!
2- Table at my restaurant job
Yup, seasonal hiring means I’ve got a sweet new gig at a nice restaurant in town that gets super busy in the summertime! The tables are right at mons height for me, so I’ve been letting that thing bump wherever it falls. We all know they’re gonna find some excuse to fire me once business slows down, so it might as well be this!
3- Into my freaking ex. What the fuck.
Cuffing season is over, and I’m single for the summer! That means when I accidentally bump into my ex (with my mons), I don’t have time for ANY of his nonsense! Buzz off, Brian!
4- Gynecologists scale
If this is what I think it is, it means Brian gave me yet another STI before I finally dumped him back in May. What the hell! The scale that takes my weight at my gynecologist’s office is right at mons height. No need to be embarrassed here, though! From mons bumping to a discharge which I don’t even have words to describe, Dr. Marilyn has seen it all. Thanks queen!
5- Brian’s new girlfriend’s mons
We had a great time, okay? No harm, no foul, especially if the harm and foul is done to Brian, who I’m totally over now that I’ve met Jenna, his really cool girlfriend. Somehow, she actually fell for his whole “open relationship” schtick, which worked out really well for me!
So ladies, do as I say, and as I do! Bump that mons all summer long!