BREAKING: Jimmy John and Jersey Mike Finally Fuck

After decades of icy glares across strip malls, longtime rivals Jimmy John and Jersey Mike finally stopped fighting long enough to bang it out.

The decades-long feud between Jimmy John, a speed demon with undiagnosed ADHD, and Jersey Mike, an emotional father figure without any actual children, has long defined the sub sandwich industry. No more.

According to eyewitnesses, their most recent argument reached its usual crescendo, Jimmy yelling “I’m freaky fast!” and Mike shouting “Slow down and feel something!” before the two locked eyes, dropped their aprons, and gave in to years of pent-up meat-based desire.

“It wasn’t just sex,” said a shaken patron. “It was passionate. Jimmy moaned, ‘Give it to me. Mike’s Way.’” Unfortunately, several customers were caught in the crossfire - getting drenched in a mix of olive oil, red wine vinegar, and select seasonings.

The sandwich world, long destabilized by their cold war, is struggling to process the news. “This is either the beginning of a delicious new era or the end of everything we know,” said a visibly aroused Subway spokesperson Jared (not that one, that one is dead to Subway, THIS ONE LIKES SUBS NOT KIDS).

“We hated each other because we saw ourselves in each other,” said Jimmy, softly touching Mike’s wrist. “Turns out I wasn’t afraid of going slow. I was afraid of being known.” Potbelly is set to officiate their upcoming nuptials.