Leaf Pile Revealed to be Local Pervert in Ghillie Suit

What appeared to be a harmless autumnal leaf pile turned out to be something far more sinister this week, after residents discovered it was actually 43-year-old local pervert Hugh Kidman hiding in a full-body ghillie suit.

“I thought it was just a normal pile,” said disgusted neighbor Kristen Meyer, who had encouraged her kids to run and jump in. “The smell was kind of funky, but I thought, you know, that’s just fall.”

According to witnesses, the so-called “leaf pile” was suspiciously large for late September, unusually warm to the touch, and occasionally sneezed. Despite these red flags, locals say they assumed it was just the magic of the pumpkin spice. Kidman, who reportedly whispered, “Crunchy crunchy” when discovered, was promptly escorted away by authorities.

Adding insult to injury, another local creep admitted he was jealous. “Man, I’ve been hanging around playground monkey bars for years,” said 39-year-old Gary Felton. “Disguising yourself as a leaf pile? Genius. Can’t believe I didn’t think of that first.”

In response, the city has issued a statement urging residents to “check their leaf piles for signs of life” before allowing children or pets to dive in. At press time, officials confirmed the town’s scarecrow competition had also been compromised after one entry blinked.