5 Things I Stole from My Ex Boyfriend
Starting off incredibly strong,
1. His boxers. He left them at my house for emergencies, I think maybe he thought he would shit his pants or something at some point, which is fair, when I pack for a 3 day vacation I bring 10 pairs of underwear JUST IN CASE. However, once we parted ways I kept those damn boxers thinking, oh god I hope this doesn’t do something to me gender wise. They haven’t…yet…. But now I wear them when I’m on my period and free bleed into those fuckers. That’s probably why his last job on LinkedIn is listed as “Improviser.” It’s the conviction from my uterine lining cursing his life.
2. His first Tattoo Experience. I was there when he got his first tattoo, I got him the artist, and helped him pick the design. The Design??? Charlie Brown with an MF Doom mask. FIRST OF ALL. This is a combo of our favorite things. When we started dating he started to love Charlie Brown because of me. In fact, before I was his girlfriend, I had already had a Snoopy tattoo AND I was Linus for Halloween. SO not only does he have this tattoo of charlie brown on the gayest spot for a tattoo (inner ankle) he has to think about me when he sees it.
3. His love for MF Doom. Okay like yes now I know all the words to Hoe Cakes and I’m sure I would’ve found MF Doom on my own (RIP BTW). And another thing about this man… he was a rapper on Tiktok. And I won’t lie he had some bars, he definitely was inspired by MF Doom. But again, most of those bars were about lil old me. To quote one from a song labeled “1.93 meters”
“Wine Floweth, Dranketh, She’s Linus I’m her Blanket”
Okay seriously he really stole this Charlie Brown thing from me like next time I see him he better not be bald saying shit like “good grief” Wait I just listened to more of this song and he just said “Mood is up, lights are down, I’m f*cking your bitch, I’m Charlie Brown” This is how you know he has never seen Charlie Brown in his life, because CANONICALLY Charlie Brown gets NO PLAY.
4. Okay now I’m just mad. I’m stewing. Writing this is like self harm. But back to the list. #4 is the phrase “dog water” when something is bad. LOL he cooked with that one.
5. Better Call Saul Viewing Pleasure. Matter of fact all of the Breaking Bad Universe. He can’t have that back or have that with someone else. Basically took his virginity. And you can’t have Jimmy McGill and Kim Wexler’s relationship with anyone else (cause that was LITERALLY US, we were poison but we made each other happy something stupid blah blah please sense my tone of me being sarcastic) but now everytime I see Bob Odenkirk in Chicago, cause he’s just around, I go “good grief, this is such dog water,” so I’m sure he does too, the ex, not Bobby. Bob and I are chill as of right now, although stay tuned for my next article fuck you bob odenkirk. Although Vince Gilligan’s next show “Pluribus” is coming out so I guess it’s time to unblock him for our 5th (?) situationship. Long overdue. Mom, Dad, my sister, my current friends, my rabbits, my study abroad friends, the Chicago improv community, Columbia College Chicago’s Comedy department, my boss from Declan’s Irish Pub, anyone who knew me while we dated and my therapist Colleen, that last part was a joke.