Equinox Gyms Exposed as Exclusive Sex Cult for People Who Work in Finance

After decades of speculation about the chain’s real purpose, an explosive new report reveals that Equinox gyms are not just high-end fitness clubs, but in fact, elite sex cults reserved solely for people in finance.

According to former members, the signs were always there. “Fitness instructors told us our sweat was actually cum flowing through our pores, which, in hindsight, should’ve been a red flag,” said an anonymous former member.

The investigation uncovered this menu of secret classes:

Corporate Ladder Climb

Full Moon Orgy Yoga

Bull & Bear Partner Stretch

Power Bottom Bootcamp

Kegel Pussy Sculpt

Recovery practices are equally unconventional. Members receive deep tissue massages from dominatrices who tell them they don’t make enough money, and spend post-workout cooldowns in eucalyptus-ketamine steam rooms, inhaling the vaporized breast milk of Victoria’s Secret supermodels.

Equinox representatives deny the cult allegations, claiming the chain is “merely committed to holistic wellness” - a statement they made while rubbing unicorn placenta serum onto a treadmill.

Some members remain unfazed by the revelations. “I don’t care if it’s a gym or even the set of an A24 horror film,” said one hedge fund partner while oiling himself in the locker room. “All I know is, I’m rich.’”