Just Like The United States Transit System, I Will Also Not Be Railed Anytime Soon
My fellow Americans, we have been lied to for too long: the interstate highway system actually really sucks. President Dwight D. Eisenhower was definitely cumming in his pants when he signed into law the Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956, thinking this was a great way for future Americans from one place to another. He obviously has never experienced rush hour traffic on a built-up multi-lane highway.
With the invention of dating apps, finding the next love of your life (or other, etc.) is as easy as sitting on the toilet and opening up your phone. There’s an almost limitless amount of people in your area who like things like tacos and cats.
The thing about roads is that you need cars and most cars except in Disney Pixar’s Cars franchise suck shit. Putting aside the environmental impact on the planet from everyone owning a gas-guzzler, cars are scary! Not just you, but other people drive them at the same time! Have you met other people? And we all should be allowed to operate heavy machinery? While sleep deprived? There must be another way for me, and all the other non-drivers to go long distances. Bus? No, those are way too slow. Plane? No, those are way too fast and falling apart in the sky. There must be another way?
Who’s still single? Men holding a fish that’s getting more mouth action than I have in a long time, and some other people, I guess. I’m trying my best to keep a positive outlook, to live, and laugh, and also with love. But where is that love? Where is the live? And most importantly: where is the laugh? Definitely not with the person who said the craziest thing they’ve ever done was download Hinge. That’s not crazy, honey!
What is crazy though is some high-speed trains. It’s what the people want! Amtrak is great, but we can think bigger. Technology that;s so good you could go across the entire continental United States in less than 20 hours—all without going through TSA. Something this amazing is only possible if the US government wants to invest in the Next Great Infrastructure Project—but we all know that’s never going to happen, thanks to Big Oil and Big Car and Big Road Construction.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt a soft kiss on my lips or a warm embrace. My body is a cold, unvisited wasteland. Sometimes, all hope feels lost. Sure there’s so many fish in the sea, but maybe I’m a sea cucumber and something new is not meant for me.
We’ve all seen those mock-up maps of a high-speed rail system across America. It looks so easy, so doable, so…enticing. Some nights when I’m alone I will close my eyes and imagine a life where I can get on a train from Chicago and get off in Columbus, Ohio in under three hours—as if we could live like Europeans for once. It’s my deepest, darkest, wildest fantasy. There is nothing better than public infrastructure that works, not even the sex I’m currently not having. Maybe someday there is hope for me and the trains.