Young Female Joins Military Because She Thinks She’d Look Cute in the Outfits
This week I sat down with a 22 year old girl who is seriously considering enlisting into the military because she thinks the uniforms are cute. I met her at a bar while waiting for a friend. She was alone, I was alone. Questions were sparked. 2 margs later, here was our conversation:
ANNABELLE: So, why the military?
INTERVIEWEE: Look,
I don't know what the military really entails. But with my knowledge so far, this would be like what I think a day in my life would be:
I wake up at 5AM and make my lil bunk bed and put on my uniform which is going to be a perfectly fitted soft t-shirt. One that is tight enough around my chest, so my boobs look really big, but in a modest way. Then I throw on those really swanky cargo pants with a belt that is absolutely gonna cinch my waist to the nines. Oooo. And then the shoes! I would throw on a pair of those big, chunky, badass work boots. Hopefully, they are like Doc Martens. That outfit is peak for me. Peak for a girl that's bisexual and only dates men.
ANNABELLE: Are you a bisexual girl that only dates men?
INTERVIEWEE: No, I am a straight girl that makes out with women when I am drunk.
ANNABELLE: Okay, carry on.
INTERVIEWEE: Then comes the hair and makeup routine.
I am in the bathroom with my other girls, being like, good morning girls… What's the gossip?
We giggle and laugh and say that the sergeant is like soooo mean. But then one of the girls is gonna be like “Why do I kinda like it?” and we are gonna be like oooo girl, you crazy.”
And then I wash my face and put my hair in one of those really cute slick back buns. Real sexy, mature, clean girl. And I don't know... put on tiny little earrings, just cause I’m feeling cute. Maybe a little lipgloss and a little mascara. And then bam, my routine took less than 10 minutes, and now my day is decided for me.
ANNABELLE: The day is decided for you in what way?
INTERVIEWEE: Well it's the military, don’t they just tell you what to do for every minute of the day and you just have to listen?
ANNABELLE: You know what, that might be the most accurate thing you have said about the military so far.
INTERVIEWEE: Next up, breakfast. I go to the cafeteria, and I am like so present in the moment. Because I don't go on my phone, because the military doesn’t have phones… Right? Yeah, they don’t have phones. So instead of scrolling reels like I usually do during breakfast, I am with all the really cute boys in the cafeteria. And we are joking around, maybe flirting a little bit..But we are also so nervous because we have to race jet planes today. Because that is what people do in the military. During the day, they kinda just race jet planes and shoot at nothing’ and then afterwards they all get a beer.
ANNABELLE: Where are you pulling this knowledge from?
INTERVIEWEE: Topgun Maverick, oh, and also the Transformers movie.
Wait wait! If I were to join the military, can I like lowkey not join the part of the military that has to go fight the Decepticons? Some of those soldiers had to go to deserts and hurt like a lot of people. Mmmm, I really don’t fuck with that. Plus i dont want my earrings to get caught on my big machine gun. If I had to be a part of that type of military, can I just be one of the hot girls who has a tablet and crunches numbers, and screams “They are taking all the files!”
ANNABELLE: Well I think if you joined the more intelligent side of the military, you wouldn’t have to wear the outfits you were excited to wear.
INTERVIEWEE: Fuck!! Okay. I’d rather just wear the cuter outfit and do the dirty work.
ANNABELLE: So you're really willing to risk your life for the outfit?
INTERVIEWEE: No.
ANNABELLE: Then why join?
INTERVIEWEE: Because nobody can text me, my clothes are already picked out and cute, I get free housing, everybody tells me exactly what to do, and I don't have to decide what I'm doing with my life for like four more years.
ANNABELLE: Oh well that is actually a way more valid reason to enlist-
INTERVIEWEE: Oh and so I can also play pool with Tom Cruise.