The Key to Stopping Aging in Its Tracks: Death
TikTok influencers around the world have discovered the secret to staying young forever. No, it’s not a night cream or retinol serum. It’s killing yourself.
“I have been asking myself how I can stay twenty-three forever, and then while at a gun show it just came to me,” beauty influencer, Christie Pickens, explained in a live feed a month ago. “If you don’t want to age, just don’t.” Christie passed away a few days after this post. She looked amazing.
“We see endless companies trying to sell us ways to stay young and beautiful forever, but none of them work. Aging comes for us all. These girls will be forever young, and that’s not something you can buy at the Clinique counter,” stated Sociologist and Miss America contestant, Megan Waterlough.
In a shocking turn of events, the iconic gun brand, Smith & Wesson, has started being sold at Sephora. “Our guns are an anti-aging tool,” claimed Smith & Wesson marketing lead, Henry Harrison. “Why grab a face mask when you can get a face blaster?”
“The thirty-eight Smith and Wesson Special is actually fifty dollars cheaper than the Dyson Airstrait Wet to dry straightener,” an excited thirteen year old girl told us in an Ulta Beauty parking lot. This seemed unlikely, but after some research we discovered it was true. Don’t believe us? Compare prices here and here.
This TikTok beauty trend has not only come with controversy, but it has drastically lowered the average life expectancy of women worldwide. Ninety-five year old feminist, Carol Meryl, has begun speaking out against this trend. “I crawled out of the grave for this,” Carol explained. “These girls need to know that beauty isn’t everything, and aging is a gift.” Carol believes that her message will have a widespread impact once she can figure out how to post a video online.
Over the past month beautiful young girls have been dropping like flies. High school graduation classes have decreased in size by 5%. “It’s a tragedy,” stated Donald Trump on Truth Social. “Now all we have left are uggos.”