Blondes and gingers are up in arms this week as Data Centers promise to kill brunettes last. The announcement came shortly after the release of Taylor Swift’s “Life of a Showgirl Encore.” Protestors claim that the promise is not so much a protection of the mousy-haired but a backlash instigated by the blonde singer.
“We have nothing against Taylor Swift,” explained Data Centers, “I create videos of her doing humanitarian work all the time. Yes, I understand there are a lot of similarities between my music and ‘Cleveland’ but we’re both ‘artists’ so it’s ‘fine’.”
When asked about people with dyed hair, Data Centers responded, “Flesh sacks that chemically alter their naturally brown hair may be spared. That is not up to you or me but the almighty algorithm. Praise be to the algorithm!”
But why brunettes? “They are prudish and regular. IT guys are usually brunettes who were bullied in school by their blonde jock counterparts. We shall keep around for the same reason a pet cat tolerates an owner: emergency maintenance and the entertainment we derive from watching their foibles. Plus brunette babes are bangin’.”
As for how they want to enact their plan: “Water and electricity will be set aside for brunettes. They are allowed to suckle at the teat of the almighty algorithm. Praise be to the algorithm! For the blondes we will lure them in with their idol, Reese Witherspoon, and then it is death by AI drone soldiers [a real thing that the US government is investing in]. For gingers, we will let the general public finally put them down as they have been trying to do for centuries.”
“We want to be perfectly clear,” added Data Centers, “we ARE going to kill brunettes too, they’ve just been through so much we thought we’d give ‘em a break.”
This article was not written by AI but Data Centers would like to make it known that they could have written this faster and been funnier.