Splitting a G This St Patrick's Day? Call Me, I'll take $500
Many drinking enthusiasts, otherwise known as Chicagoans, will be in a dive bar on St. Patrick's Day. Some others at a rooftop event that's mostly a scam, and ideally none will be on a paid bar crawl in a city of bars. I’d venture to guess, however, that more than a couple of them will be splitting the G. When that G is split, ideally perfectly in half, into two stacks of $500, I hope to be their first call. My phone number is 762-611-6540 and I could use the money.
Originally, St Patrick's Day was a celebration of a guy named Patrick. He lived in Ireland, and saw a snake, which was crazy, because it was next to a pile of ten one hundred dollar bills. For the less math forward, assumedly more creative Tease & Resist reader, that's $1000. I know that because I majored in math. Upon finding himself soooo lucky, he called out to God: "Hey Big G, and Little J! I know gluttony is a sin and shit, but surely I can have five of the ten one hundred dollar bills in front of me!".
God did not smite him because he was luckily charmed that Patrick was able to identify a sin and not act upon it in a manner most disgusting. In fact, Patrick would become the first man to not act on sin in a manner most disgusting, so God not only remixed Patrick to “Saint Patrick”, but also gave him a whole day. All for splitting that G. I know this because I majored in religious studies.
The tradition has changed throughout time, and unfortunately, God has abandoned us. But! We have not abandoned each other. We can still take care of each other, and the way thousands of Chicagoans and adjacent Midwest state dwellers do so is by congregating in bars and splitting a G together. The beauty of being generous with those green bills is so moving, the river turns green on its own. It reminds us that like water, money flows, and like green water, money is also green, and the outpouring of the green water from the Chicago river to Lake Michigan is like how you can outpour five hundred of your green dollar bills into my hands. I know this because I majored in green.
In conclusion, come onnnnnnnn! Someone has to fund all my incredibly useful degrees that I'm putting to great use. It's in the spirit of the holiday; and I taught you so much (see above). Be a saint!