10 Things Alex Honnold Could NOT Climb
Alex Honnold is a world renowned free solo-er, a giver of absolutely no fucks in a way that feels sort of hurtful yet sexy, and a chooser of rock climbing over his wife and kids any day. He is a sensation taking on the world by storm with his chalky hands; hands I would never let near my vagina, let alone the sidewalk. Okay sure, he sets world records for climbing things of mass size and volume, and is one of the most fearless athletes on the planet, but I’m done acting like this guy’s the shit! Here are 10 things that Alex Honnold could not possibly climb:
Alex Honnold could NOT climb:
Big Red Balls From Wipeout - People could not even stand on top of this shit! It’s a classified V0 the way 0 people could climb it. His ass included!
The Billboard Top 100 Chart - Never even heard him sing! How’s he going to climb the charts if bro can’t even carry a tune? Go mash those M&M’s, boy! Mommy said so!
The social ladder of a friend group - Let’s say I invite Alex Honnold to a party as my plus one, and another friend comes up to me and asks, “How did Alex get invited?”, I will turn my cheek and say, “He asked me if he could come and I didn’t know how to say no. He literally texted me and put me in such an awkward position, and like why me? Like why am I always the messenger? I’m always in fucking drama and cleaning up people’s shit, but I’m never the one shitting! No, like genuinely a vibe killer. Okay, he’s climbing the fireplace– Alex! Get down! Get off the bricks! Alex! See what I mean? He has no self awareness to know that he’s being sus as hell!”
The Loft Bed From my College Dorm- When my RA pointed out the “ladder” to me, she pointed to the literal wood that held up the whole bed. Was there a railing at least? No! Of course not! Why include the safest part of a loft bed? No reason to! This bed was a V5 free solo every night, and a V7 when I had warm Svedka running through my veins.
Up the slide part of an elementary school metal slide in winter - You might as well just tell your friends and family goodbye. No chance of return.
To the Top (Third) Floor in a Studio Apartment Building in Lincoln Park, Chicago - All those stairs just to see no in-unit laundry, no dishwasher, and a barely functioning sink? Good thing that Alex looooves that van-life!
My Boyfriend’s Dick - He’s only got eyes for me, pumpkin! Curious why there’s nothing to hold onto? He’s not even hard!
Into Bed Angry - It’s just not a good idea. Believe me, Alex, it’s better to talk through your differences and get it all out on the table so you’re able to go to sleep peacefully. Communication is key.
Into the Upside Down Via Stranger Things Portal - Riiighhttt… So, Alex, you think you’re the new Eddie? Nice try, darling. No one can top the GOAT.
El Capitan in Yosemite National Park - Impossible. I can barely do this, and you’re telling me he could?