I Believe I Could Unbeach a Whale By My Lonesome

What’s the number one problem facing Chicago Americans? Beached. Whales. They are taking up so much space on Oak Street Beach//Hollywood Beach//Montrose Beach (those are all the beaches I’m aware of because I only go north side areas)!! It’s like, now I can’t sit beach front cause a stupid Baluga from Shedd Aquarium is blocking my view.

So I’ve decided to campaign against this beached whale nonsense. I’ve been training biweekly at the Planet Fitness I’ve been paying for for a few years except I only started going now. Because the point is, I’m super buff now. I have also helped my friend walk their couch up the stairs when they were moving so I’m positive I could do this. Not only do I have intense muscle and back strength, my fingers are so strong from hooking up with women in Streeterville, they’re straight and just experimenting so it’s a workout tbh. I’m gonna spin that Narwhal like a basketball on my fingie.

Anyway, once these beached whales start showing up on our favorite beaches, feel free to DM me on instagram and I’ll come by in like one of those sexy blue collar stripper outfits. I’ll fucking punch an Orca. Unfree Willy, go back to where you are from.