Woman Saves Her Poops for the 9-5, Citing Marxist Principles

“History repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce.” Local woman Gemma repeats history every morning at 10 AM, dropping a dump truck of a bowel movement into the single stall, vapes optional, non-gendered toilet. 

Said Gemma, ‘The theory of Communism may be summed up in one sentence: Abolish all private property.’ And the only private property I need abolished is this porcelain turd landfill. I drink three cups of coffee a day. THREE. You don’t hit those numbers and not take a shit that looks like four chodes playing down the water slide. Make the bathroom community own, make the toilet a co-op. That’s the kind of leftism I stand for.”

Asked about the implications of sharing the restroom, Gemma held strong. “Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!” By this, Gemma insists the “chains” in question are antiquated bathroom etiquette. “It’s 2025. Can I drop some manure and go on with my day? So what if someone hears. I’ve got my colon and a little thing called my microbiome to take care of.”

On the topic of the microbiome, Gemma screamed for the entirety of this comment. “THE MICROBIOME IS THE SECOND BRAIN. FLORA AND FAUNA FLOURISH IN A HEALTH GUT. ANTIBIOTICS KILL HEALTHY BACTERIA, DID YOU JERK-OFFS EVEN REALIZE THAT? YEAH, PROBIOTICS ARE NOT AN OPTION, THEY ARE THE RULE. ‘Landlords, like all other men, love to reap where they never sowed.’ WELL IF YOU DIDNT PERSONALLY INSTALL THE SHITTER I’M NOT SURE WHAT THE HELL TO SAY TO YOU FEDS. DOWN WITH LANDLORDS! UP WITH TOILETS! LET YOUR FECES BE FREE!”

To this, us in the writing room can say we have safely shit in company stalls, vapes optional, member dues mandatory. Unionizing bathroom users has changed rhetoric around the dung hole. Chapter 35 of Poop Teamsters is now active and ready to mobilize.