Performative Male Permanently Damages Balance with Book In Back Pocket

A tragic incident occurred in the early hours of the morning today in Chicago’s Logan Square neighborhood–one that ended in an extreme spinal injury and a failed attempt at copulation on the part of the victim.

Jasper K. Boingo, a 26-year-old Chicago native of three entire years, went about his usual Friday routine yesterday morning, waking up “early” and heading to do his work-from-home job from a local chain cafe. But–not so fast! Jasper also slipped a book into his back pocket before stepping out his front door.

This is a practice Jasper developed when he first moved to Chicago. Unconventional, we know. As a femme publication, we don’t have pockets, and when we do, we fill them with makeup and girl dinner. This reporter personally doesn’t know how to read–only write. Thats why me articles are fully of errorors. I cant proofreed..

Boingo told reporters that, initially, this method was used to combat social anxiety and have something to do with his hands. But after a year of acclimating to a new city, Jasper started to come into his own. He had a better understanding of his interiority, and a group of supportive friends who helped him come out of his shell. At this point, with his “boys” by his side, Jasper could fully admit to himself and others that he carried this book in his back pocket as a way to attract women. And if he needed to “do something with his hands,” reading was pretty low on the list. Far below checking his phone, smoking cigs, and fingerblasting. Jasper, we’re proud of you for knowing yourself.

But today was abnormal. After finishing his tasks, Jasper had a day absolutely chock full of social activities. He went on a walk with a girl from hinge–due to his long legs, he accidentally outpaced her, leaving her behind at the Humboldt Overlook on the 606. Oops! Then, he went to the Palmer Square home of his “just-friend” Lauren, who does mullets and is in love with Jasper. Walking the line between “hitting that” and outright rejecting her, Jasper faked a family emergency and took his free haircut to his friend Roger’s house, leaving Lauren behind. Then, he and Roger hauled ass to the pregame at his buddy Steve’s at his apartment off Armitage, with a quick Zyn stop at California 7-Eleven along the way. From Steve’s, the gang got bites at Middle Brow, then to the main event: club hopping down Milwaukee.

By the time they got to Central Park Bar, it was midnight and the whole squad had their sex pest vibes dialed up to the max. The combination of sweat and drunk cigs mingled to create and odor most foul. They could be heard saying things to women like, “hey, do you have a friend for my boy? We need to set up my boy. His grandma just passed. Get your friend over here. C’mon, don’t be like that.” Sounds fun, right? God, I wish I was there.

Boingo had not stopped this party-licious day one single time to remove the copy of Crime and Punishment that decorated the ass part of his jeans. Boingo began dancing and rubbing frontally on a local woman, Allison Prenup. At this point, she flirtatiously removed the book from the pocket, planning to read the cover and tease him (Prenup actually majored in literature in college, presumably for the sole purpose of having quippy witicisms to flirt with guys that carry books, right?).

But moments after the book was removed, the entire club heard a thunderous slam, even louder than the DJ’s bold transition between “Pink Pony Club” and “Somebody That I Used To Know.” Boingo had been off-balance the entire day, and without the weight of Dostoevsky’s groundbreaking text in his right pocket, Boingo reportedly began twirling and grasping at nearby breasts and buttcheeks to try to stay standing. Alas, it was futile and Jasper ended up face down, ass up on the floor.

Jasper’s loyal-ass squad obviously had his back and abandoned the baddies they were grinding up on to rush Jasper home. Though he eventually regained consciousness, Boingo is still unable to walk or stand on his own. Between the bouts of vertigo and the injuries to his spine sustained from his constant falls since then, hope of a swift recovery is nearly nonexistent. Most of all, he is deeply disappointed at losing the opportunity to “hit that,” in reference to Allison Prenup.

When questioned, Prenup said she felt she wouldn’t be able to give sex with Boingo a shot, not only due to extreme feelings of guilt for his accident, but more importantly, due to feeling intimidated by the obvious intelligence displayed by his choice of back-pocket accessory. Oh my god, dude, did that backfire or what? More on this story as it develops.