How to Do the Dishes: A Beginner’s Guide for My Roommate

Baby, I get it. You had a long day at work. I think-? I really don’t know actually. We never talked about what you do during the day and you kind of just leave the house and I assume it’s for work, but you could be off doing heroin and I would seriously have no idea. Do you do heroin? Im curious now-

Wait sorry, I got off-track.

The dishes. Yes. The dishes. Jesus Christ dude. We gotta do something about this.

Of course, I am not actually going to say anything about it out loud,, because I am terrified of social confrontation. BUT, however, I thought we were both under the nonverbal agreement when we signed our lease that we would a) treat one another like we don’t exist, b) live separate lives in separate rooms, and c) ALWAYS keep the dishes clean.

And I’ll admit it. I am not the perfect roommate either. I have lots of loud sex throughout the week, and last night I called you at 3 AM to get the door for me because I left my key at home.

But you know what? I have been super cool about the dishes for too long. Like oh my fucking god, last night, you had a little snack of what? Baby carrots and chicken wings with blue cheese, ranch, and hummus. Awwe, how cute. What is not cute is that you left, so graciously, your plate of chicken bones and sauces in the sink to rot for 9 hours. And now the kitchen smells like there was a Wingstop dumpster orgy!

Seriously. Has nobody taught you to do the dishes? Like ever? Have you ever even worked a job in food service? No?? Only at Lush?? Lord.

Okay. Well if no one has ever taught you, I guess I fucking will.

Step 1. Turn the water on. Dumbass.

It’s not that difficult, but could be easily fucked up. I suggest you wait around 30 seconds to get the water heated up.

Step 2. Scrub Daddy

I don't know if you noticed, but I have been spoiling us. Giving us that princess treatment standards of living, because I got us a Scrub Daddy from Target, which is a luxury item. BecauseDaddy? He is the top of the top. Crunchy, soapy, scratchy. He gets the job done, because that is what a Daddy does! Now pick it up, give him a squeeze. He is dry now, but oh just you wait, it is about to get wet and wild up in here.

Step 3: Dawn Dish Soap

I also don't know if you noticed, but I put the dish soap you bought from Whole Foods under the cabinet. Yeah, that organic chamomile ginger 13+ purpose cleaner dish soap… that soap is BULLSHIT. We are using Dawn and only Dawn from now on. And dont you dare take liberties in using the whole fucking bottle, okay? They don’t make Dawn dish soap on trees. Put a dime size squirt on our Daddy, run Daddy under that nice warm water, and start squeezing, get all soapy, have some fun while you are at it god damnit.

Step 4: Take a breath.

Okay it’s almost time for the hardest part. You are about to do an annoying task. And it is going to take maybe more than four minutes. So I need you to take a breath. I need you to realize that it is important you get this done. Because you pay rent, and you are an adult. Do the dishes. Contribute to this household.

Step 5: Dish Washer !

Good news, we have a dish washer that you have completely ignored for our entire lease! This dish washer is going to make the process 100% quicker and easier. Just take all the forks, the cups, the bowls, the plates, give them a rinse, and load the dish washer. When it gets too full, just text me, okay? I will handle that. I don’t want you putting dish soap in the dish washer, and flooding the house with soap. We are taking baby steps here.

Step 6: Cursed Pot

This is the big pot you used to make red sauce pasta for your friends. This is the pot you left out to soak for the last 6 days and it is starting a new bacteria environment. You are terrified. I am terrified. But this is your mess to solve, and I am not your mother. Pour that soaking marinating garbage down the drain, get Daddy, and scrub like your life depends on it. You may not be able to scrub away all the deep red stains, there may be some food left in the pot but that’s okay! We all make mistakes! Try your best, and then leave it on the counter to dry. Give it a go tomorrow. What is most important is that it is out of the sink, and not creating the next coronavirus.

Step 7: Reward!

Holy moly! You did it!! You washed dishes!! Oh my god I could pick you up and kiss you right now, I am so proud. You deserve a little treat! A little task award. Maybe a hit off of your THC pen?? A hit off your vape?? Maybe a fresh little Monster drink… look in the fridge.. Mhmm, I got you one!!

Now you should know how to do the dishes, because I took the time to write this.

If you decide to ignore this nicely written manual, then I will proceed with my mother’s methods of getting you to do the dishes. Which will start with petty comments, and then I will threaten to take your phone away, and then I will threaten to cut you off from all the money me and your father have been giving you.

Sorry. I just realized I can't do that. Uhmm. I will threaten to not pay for my rent!

Fuck that might not work either.

Whatever.

Just please do the fucking dishes.