How to Demand Attention in a God-Honoring Way This Easter
Easter is fast approaching and the question on everyone’s mind is, of course, “how can I make this about me?” As a seasoned attention seeker, I encourage you to skip the egg dying and Sunday service in favor of maximizing the amount of pity you can garner from your inner circle.
Don’t underestimate what a vulnerable time this can be for the people around you. After a month of Lent, people will find it harder to see through your compliment fishing and self pitying victim complex.
Take it from the only begotten son, making your friends worry about you is one of the most efficient ways to get the attention you need to heal your emotional wounds. Start by throwing a dinner party and inviting all your closest friends (sinners, whores, and outcasts) as well as one person who does NOT fuck with you lowkey. If you’re really lucky they’ll say something shady in front of everyone prompting you to excuse yourself from the long ass table. At which point, a couple of your closest disciples, I mean besties, will find you in the kitchen and say “that was shady, queen, but we are here for you.” If you are able to turn your body and blood into bread and wine, now would be a good time to do so.
After dinner on the way to the club, carry something really heavy like, I don't know, let's say, a giant wooden crucifix, just off the top of my head. You can also use a really big purse that you offer to carry everyone’s stuff in for the night if, for some reason, you don’t have a crucifix on hand. Really make a meal out of how heavy it is and when people offer to help REFUSE. As you’re walking, ask to use someone’s handkerchief and rub your sweaty face on it leaving behind a perfect imprint of your clean girl make up routine. When they confront you about ruining their handkerchief tell them that you will kill yourself (for their sins) and they can use the towel to remember you by when your death inevitably brings you clout and everyone tries to act like they liked you before it was cool.
For the realest attention whores, while out on the town, get really drunk and run awayfrom your friends, preferably into a dark alley or cave! Once you lose them don't respond to anyone's texts or calls for three days. On the third day make an instagram story post announcing your return, captioned, “she is risen.” Finally, get someone to write a book about your story and then make up some random ass rules that must be followed under threat of damnation, mama.
Congratulations, you have now gotten the most out of your Easter weekend! I’m sure that was still not enough attention for you, you monster. In that case you can always try joining a local improv group and bulldozing everyone’s scenes!