WWE Launches New “Slam Poetry” Program for Teens

“ROSES ARE RED!” “VIOLETS ARE BLUE!” “PUNCH!” “POW!” These are just some of the sounds and phrases you’ll hear when you pick up your child from WWE’s newest kids camp– Slam Poetry. Right in the heart of Nowhere-Super-Special, MI, Tony Martinez, or known in the wrestling world as Captain Murder, invested $4 into an abandoned Party City to launch a program for teens, tweens, and stupid little fuckers to help with stress management.

“Sometimes when I’m sad, I want to punch a hole in the wall and feel my feelings at the same time.” said Martinez, covered in dry wall and runny mascara. “In this class, I want my students to get fucking angry and then say some intellectual bullshit about nothing super important.”

Writers at TNR had the once in a lifetime opportunity to observe a Slam Poetry class led by Captain Murder himself. In the class, Martinez taught a series of takedown moves (single leg, double leg, front headlock, etc.) that were executed through original rhymes. Braden (10), a first-day camper, poured his heart on the ring:

“Winter bluejays mourn

As trees shed their vests,

Leaving nothing more

Than frosty, barren nests.”

Braden then cracked his opponent’s neck. 13-year-old camper: Olivia, was seen towering over 11-year-old camper: Henry high up on one side of the ring while prosing:

“Someday I might see the sun

For who he really is,

He’ll take away the moon

And melt into a kiss.”

Olivia then smacked her elbow to the tune of a wrestling bell, jumped into the air, and well, you can infer what happened next.

So far, TNR has reported 4 casualties, 6 SPEEDOS with a LOT of trust put into them, and 14 children in touch with their emotions. To register your pubescent little shit for Captain Murder’s WWE program, visit www.snapsforbodyslams.org .