Here’s What I Want for Christmas as a Raging Bitch Cunt
To anyone who cares at all,
Merry Christmas to everyone but me! No seriously. My bitchass dad came up to me during Thanksgiving break and joked that we’re doing a “woke” Christmas this year. Meaning, we’re only going to buy from “local vendors” and avoid “corporations” like “Amazon” and “Target.” Well, Dad, you might as well just shoot me in the fucking face and leave my body to rot on the curb by your sorted recycling bins. Holy Hell, my life is a living fucking nightmare! That being said, if anyone is listening, LITERALLY anyone at all, please fucking help me! I am a lonely college student rotting away at Pepperdine University in the apartment style dorms, so Christmas gifts to me this year are essential. If you can spare anything at all, I will… I don’t know… Do nothing! Yeah! That’s right! I’ll do nothing! Why can’t I just receive something without any further expectations? I’m literally the “giving” friend. One time my friend was crying to me about her mommy issues and I literally GAVE her my time and attention. Some friendships are so much work. Anyway, here’s what I want for Christmas this year:
A Personal Delivery Robot - They are just too dang cute! Roberto and Raphael, if I ever see you flipped over on the side of the street, just know I’d run to your rescue!
Spotify Premium Subscription - I’m tired of being the only girl in my all-guy friend group who can’t join “Jams.” My dad recently canceled our subscription because they wouldn’t stop showing ICE recruitment ads. Well if he just joined ICE, maybe those ads would go away and he’d finally get off my fucking ass about my data usage. Get unlimited, you effing twat!!!
Bluetooth Microphone - I LOOOVE Karaoke! I’m the singer of my friend group!
Lemme Purr Gummies - I love eating! I’m a foodie.
Baby from Orphanage - Millie Bobby Brown– sorry, Millie Bonnie Bonjovi, is just making it look so fun!
If you got to the bottom of this Christmas list, I hope you take my requests to heart. It’s so unfair that people who have birthdays in December get literally double the presents, and my Gemini ass has to wait until now. Dafuq?
Sincerely,
Raging Bitch Cunt