Top Five Gayest Stops on the Red Line from a “Local Chicagoan”
Happy Pride, dear reader. While June has come to an end, gays have not. Whether you’re gay, straight, or an ally, I hope you’re celebrating ferociously. How am I celebrating Pride? Amazing question. I’M WORKING! I HAVE A GODDAMN JOB! I don’t have the luxury of kicking back at the local gay bar in Boystown. I’m making $11.50 an hour, chump. However, I’ve been finding ways to enjoy Pride while I can. For instance, I take public transit. And boy on boy, have I seen a lot of shit. Like metaphorical and literal shit. So much shit in fact, I’ve developed a list of the top five gayest stops on the red line in Chicago. Here they are:
Wilson - CTA, did you really think we wouldn’t catch the name of this station? A tale as old as time! One lonely volleyball and a stranded man together in holy matrimony. The volleyball was gay, Tom Hanks was gay for the volleyball, etc. Amazing representation! Next!
Sheridan - Don’t even play with me. They spelled it wrong on purpose, I just know it. Ever heard of the one and only Cher, Chicago? Thee heterosexual gay icon? Y’all thought you could pull a fast one on me during my prime, didn’t you? Hell nah! From now on, this stop is “Cheridan,” and if you disagree, I don’t got you, babe.
Roosevelt - This station name sounds like what a gay man would name his pet cockapoo. Then, he’d ask me to dogsit while he’s off on a “business trip” in Austin, Texas. Okay Stanford, Jack, Kurt, or whatever your name is, I’ll watch your damn dog. But if I see him stick his paw into his water bowl and stir it around before he drinks it, I’m out. Limp wrist dogs are gay. I don’t want to watch him flirt with the neighbor’s shih tzu! Neither of them are neutered!
Lake - Lake is so nonbinary. I bet they were named Ash before they settled on Lake. Gotta love a name that’s also a noun and also gay!
69th - Need I go on?
Again, happy Pride to all who celebrate. Especially those of you who leave your poppers behind on the train. I stole some! My butthole got tighter because I was nervous. Fuck… maybe I am straight… Oh my God I have to move out of Chicago.