If These Corporations Want Me to Believe They’re Allies, I’m Gonna Need to See HowMany Furries They Employ on a Quarterly Basis

Okay, Chevron, so you want the gays to stan, mama? Prove it. You know, being gay is about so much more than just wearing tiny shirts and having amazing taste. It’s also about having to explaining he/him lesbians to your normie coworkers.

Microsoft, I encourage you to check out the booths at Pride this year and really ask yourself if your company is ready to take us on. There is a booth at pride (I’m dead serious; It's there every year) of a gay guy who draws Disney princes tied up BDSM style with big ass bulges. Can you handle that, Microsoft? Are you willing to get Micro-hard this June?

Bezos, put on a pup mask, NOW. Or else I’m gonna have to ask you to take down the tiny rainbow in the corner of your instagram profile pic this pride. On that note: Instagram, I tried to post a picture of a dvd of gay porn that I won at drag bingo on my instagram story last pride and you “so-called allies” took it down. So I don’t want to see you in the pride parade this year, you fucking homophobes. Kill yourself, instagram.

You know come to think of it the only company that has earned the right to have a booth at pride with a little wheel you can spin to win cheap branded crap is M&Ms. Congratulations, M&Ms. I love what you’ve done with that anxious twink orange M&M. We owe you for pissing off Tucker Carlson with the green M&Ms futch rebrand. Happy pride M&Ms, you clearly employ some gay little freaks and we thank you for your allyship.