Should Bisexuals Be Allowed to Have the Tiny Corner Piece of Pizza?
Every Pride Month, the (mostly) online queer community dives deep into discourse about bisexuality. Are bisexuals valid? What is the ratio of genders of past partners to be considered a true bisexual and not just a poser? Are bisexuals allowed at pride if they are in a straight-presenting relationship? Are bisexuals allowed at pride if they’re not dating anyone? Is it true that eight out of ten bisexuals are in a centuries-long pyramid scheme to sell you crystals and candles that don’t work? Is it true that the Mothman is bisexual? If so, why haven’t we found him yet? Are bisexuals even real?
We rehash the same old discourse over and over again, and every year the results come back inconclusive. Sometimes bisexuality is fine, like if you are Megan Fox, while other times it is not okay to be bisexual, like when you are going on a road trip with a bunch of friends and you technically have a license but say you “can’t drive” and are also bad at directions and put too much 100 gecs on the shared playlist. After the discourse dissipates, we all experience collective amnesia until this time next year, where we pick up where we left off and try to get a new person canceled. This is not only fun for everyone in the community, but it is also necessary as a kind of human sacrifice needed for a bountiful harvest of a really good hyperpop album to play at gay bars across the nation in the upcoming summer months. You want a Slayyyter summer? Sorry, your friend with a choppy mullet, septum ring, and a husband is going to have to go on the chopping block in order to keep the universe in alignment.
This year, I would like to offer a new trolley problem to the community at large: should those B’s who claim to be attracted to “all genders” be allowed to have the tiny corner piece of pizza when a group of friends get together and share one medium-to-large sized tavern-style pizza, cut in squares, half pepperoni and half cheese to accommodate the vegetarian folk in the group, from a tried and true classic Chicago establishment?
Hear me out, the tiny little corner piece of a Chicago-style tavern pizza is the best part. It sure as hell is not a sustainable meal, but it is a nice supplementary little treat along with other, regularly-sized slices. The only problem? There are only four of these bad boys on a pizza, even when a single pie can allegedly feed five to nine people. This begs the question: who in the group is deserving of these little crusty morsels?
While rare, there are people who do not like the little corner piece so they are outliers in this discussion and we do not need to worry about them. But to most groups of friends, the little piece is a hot commodity and should only get into the hands (and mouths) of the ones who are purest of heart. And we all know that the people who are attracted to men AND women are the least pure out of everyone in the group! What do you mean you have a wider dating pool and you think you need an extra tiny piece of corner crust along with the same amount of slices everyone else is getting? Don’t you think that’s just a little bit greedy? You have a boyfriend and never have to have a weird conversation about your sexuality because the issue just “isn’t that big of a deal”? Wouldn’t that be nice! And you still think after all of that it is okay for you to have the best little treat that is the triangle bit that’s cut into squares. I bet you have an equal amount of pepperoni and cheese slices because you just “can’t decide which is better.” If we let this slide, what’s going to be next? Wearing carabiners? Being able to change your own oil? Having the center cinnamon roll?
There are people that are dying, Kim—sure—but we as a community need to get to the core of this issue. Dr. Slayerschmitz, Professor of Gender Studies at the University of Arizona has spent her entire academic career studying the emotional impacts of unequal treat distribution in queer friend groups. “Sure, bi and pan people definitely can have the corner slice of pizza,” she claims. “I had to do special research in the Chicago area because this specific problem isn’t really seen anywhere else in the country where people slice pizza the normal way. I’m getting off track, though. In this situation, while anyone can have the corner slice of pizza, people who have a wider range of people they’re attracted to should maybe take a step back and consider the wants and needs of their other cohorts. See how they’re feeling about the pizza before just digging right in.”
See?! This is a matter of equity, and maybe people who are attracted to more than one gender should let that be enough and should give the corner piece of pizza at a party to those who are more deserving of such a delicacy.