School Shooters Promise to Stop if Apple Brings Back Gun Emoji
It was the shot heard round the world, in 2016 Apple announced they would be removing the gun emoji from their emoji catalog, replacing it with a water gun. Apple was hoping by taking away the ability to electronically shoot someone a text, do you get it? Apple truly believed this would discourage real world gun violence, which had been ramping up steadily since the inception of America. But instead of feeling LOL, this decision left mass shooters feeling WTF, and FML, and KYS.
We at TNR interviewed local sweetheart school shooter, Caleb Von Cracker. The following is a transcript of this interview, which lasted about 20 seconds until, well you’ll see why.
Reenie Carroll: Hi Caleb, so honored to be here with you today. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to chat!
Caleb Von Cracker: Hey, no problem, *finger guns*
Although Caleb was only miming the action, the prison had to be locked down and the interview rescheduled for a virtual meeting.
Begin Transcript:
RC: Thanks for joining me again via Zoom # NOT SPONSORED. Now Caleb, we have been hearing tell of a movement you have started out here in Rockford, Il that is reclaiming the gun emoji and-
CVC: Thank you for the question woman, I’ll answer now, so stop talking. Every community in the world has a symbol to represent their values, beliefs, or heritage. The gays have the rainbow, the transes have the gender reveal colors, hell, even the British have a flag. And each one of these flags or symbols is FEATURED in the emoji catalog curated by Apple! Yet Apple, replaced ours with a children’s toy. The first lesson of gun safety is that it is NOT A TOY! This is shooter pride erasure! School shooters have a deep and rich history that we should be proud of and taking the gun emoji out was like a slap in the face to us. You cannot erase us!
RC: Do you think Apple’s decision to remove the emoji-
CVC: -Thank you for your question, wench! Yes, I think that removing the emoji actually caused more school shootings. We as school shooters, or mass shooters in general, felt that if we couldn’t be represented in text chain or on online 4chan forums, we had to take it upon ourselves to be included in the conversation again.
RC:
CVC: Excatly! Not only does the removal of the gun emoji violate the 2nd amendmant, the right to bear arms, it violates the first one too! Freedom of speech and shooting people dead on college campuses go directly hand in hand, just look at Charlie Kirk!
After the last comment, Caleb Von Cracker was fired from his job of head license plate maker. He reached out to us via anthrax mail, and would like to be completely clear, he wasn’t making fun of Charlie, Charlie Kirk was his friend he met one time when Kirk came to his support after CVC mowed down 24 preschoolers in an underpriveleged community!