Cure for Cancer Accidentally Discovered by Girls Making Potions at a Sleepover

CLEVELAND, OH - In a groundbreaking medical development that has left the scientific community stunned, the cure for cancer was accidentally discovered this weekend by 9-year-old Maria Curie during a sleepover experiment involving Gatorade, glitter glue, and her mom’s Vagasil.

According to reports, Maria and her three friends were playing a game they called “Etsy Witches” when they began mixing various household liquids in a plastic cauldron. After adding three squeezes of blue raspberry Capri Sun and an expired tube of Warm Vanilla Sugar Bodywash from Bath & Body Works, Maria fed the concoction to the family’s 14-year-old pug, Spot, who had been suffering from arthritis, partial blindness, and a mysterious growth on his paw.

“He immediately got the Zoomies,” said Maria. Within 48 hours, researchers at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed that Spot’s tumor had vanished, along with cataracts and his lifelong fear of the vacuum cleaner. Early human trials have shown a 100% remission rate across all cancer types, provided the dosage is administered while playing Olivia Rodrigo’s “Vampire.”

Maria is now being courted by several top research institutions and offered full tenure at Johns Hopkins. The concoction has since been synthesized by the CDC and the FDA. Meanwhile, Maria remains humble. “I just wanna do regular kid stuff,” she said, while signing a licensing deal with Moderna.