Santa Claus Revealed to Have Nice, Naughty, and Epstein List

NORTH POLE - Leaked documents have revealed that Santa Claus’s fabled “Nice and Naughty” lists are actually part of a three-tiered system, the third being “The Epstein List.”

“He’s making a list and checking it twice,” read one of the leaked memos, “he’s found out who is naughty, nice, and implicated.”

According to reports, the previously unknown list was discovered in a locked filing cabinet hidden behind a decorative candy cane in Santa’s North Pole office.

“Santa always said he sees you when you’re sleeping, but I didn’t realize he meant everyone,” said one shaken elf. “We thought he was tracking who deserved presents. We didn’t know he was also tracking flight logs.”

The North Pole issued a brief statement denying any wrongdoing: “Santa Claus has never associated with Jeffrey Epstein, nor has he ever visited Little St. James Island. Any suggestion otherwise is a direct attack on Christmas joy.”

However, the leaked documents paint a different picture, allegedly showing Santa in correspondence with powerful figures across politics, entertainment, and finance. One particularly damning email thread shows an exchange between Santa and a “D.Trump@truthsocial.com” account discussing a “special delivery” of hush money “to make sure the list stays buried deeper than the Polar Ice Cap.”

Experts are divided on the implications of the revelation. “It raises serious questions about who determines morality during the holidays,” said Dr. Fiona Kringle, Professor of Yuletide Ethics at Frostbite University. “If Santa’s operating multiple lists, what else is he hiding?”

Meanwhile, Rudolph was reportedly seen leaving the North Pole wearing sunglasses and muttering, “I’m not going down for this.”

Santa has yet to make a public appearance, though NORAD confirms his sleigh has been stationary for 48 hours. Officials fear he may flee to international waters, or worse, Mar-a-Lago.