Who would win in a fight: Cleopatra or WALL-E from Pixar’s WALL-E (2008)?
The silence of space. The hiss of an asp in a woven basket. The whir of mechanical progress. I am back to ask the tantalizing and vital question:
Who would win in a fight: Cleopatra or WALL-E from Pixar’s WALL-E (2008)?
We will be using our usual three factors to consider in a fight: Weaponry, Intelligence, and Charisma.
Weaponry - Cleopatra
Cleopatra was the socio-political leader of a country with 38,000 troops at her disposal. Her army consisted of both native-born Egyptians and Greek soldiers. Cleopatra was known as a master strategist. She herself was able to sneak into Caesar’s camp to “solidify an alliance.” That’s historian-speak for fuck.
WALL-E has a trash compactor in his tummy. I guess that could hurt if you, like, stuck your hand in there and closed the door and pressed start. It feels like you could kind of just kick him over, though.
Intelligence - Cleopatra
Cleopatra was, simply put, that bitch. She is the only Ptolemaic leader known to have learned Egyptian (she actually spoke Greek as her first language!). She also knew a shit ton of other languages and studied at the Library of Alexandria. You know. Where the WORLD’S KNOWLEDGE WAS HELD? When she wasn’t nerding out at nerd central she was hanging out with her nerd friends who ended up being pretty famous scientists. I couldn’t name them but we all know scientists aren’t the real kind of famous so it doesn’t matter.
WALL-E understands a LOT about environmentalism and the human capacity to create and destroy BUT he doesn’t apply that knowledge very well. He needs his hot robo-girlfriend to do it for him. And don’t we all?
Charisma - WALL-E
Please do not misunderstand. I know Cleopatra is hot. A real historical smokeshow. But she also married her brother. And when that didn’t work out? She married her other brother. And when THAT didn't work out? They started a civil war against each other.
WALL-E is just plum-stinkin’ adorable. He listens to “Hello, Dolly” and beep boops around the earth trying to make it better for us. For US. HE IS GIVING HIS WHOLE ROBOT LIFE TO TRY TO CLEAN UP OUR MESS. AND HE DOES IT ALL WITH A LITTLE ROBOT SONG. FUCK NOW I’M CRYING ABOUT WALL-E. WALL-E, YOU GODDAM BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH. And again, he has a hot robot girlfriend.
Conclusion
Fighting a future she could not possibly begin to comprehend, Cleopatra wins this battle. But if we know anything about our dear friend, WALL-E, we know that he’ll dust off this scrap and turn it into something beautiful. Tune in next time for
Who would win in a fight: Ruth Bader Ginsberg vs Woody from Pixar’s Toy Story (1995)?