Why Did My Boss Give Me the Office with Bars on the Windows?

I recently moved into a new position at work! Better hours, health care, great coworkers nearby. I am really living the dream. As I entered my new office, hopes high, desk trinkets (crystals, little plastic ducks with hats, etc.) in hand, the sun glinted across my eyes. I looked up to see a giant window. The last tenant had put up that rainbow window cling stuff so rainbows were scattered across the room. How lovely. But beyond that super gay window cling lay a powerful and dark question: Why did my boss give me the office with bars on the windows?

Vertical bars. Tip to toe. Iron wrought. Slightly rusty in a way that makes you think, “Now, that cannot be safe.” Using my investigating skills I ruled out the chance that perhaps they were worried for my mental well-being. For one, this office was on the first floor. There was no real risk of a fatal defenestration. For two, and really the main piece of evidence refuting this, they have verbally told me many times that they do not care.

Maybe it was to protect the valuables inside? I work in a large vault that has millions of dollars of [redacted wares] in it. It’s in an unmarked building at an undisclosed location and there are security cameras about every three feet. There are also other windows in the building that have bars. So it can’t just be me…right? Certainly it has to be to protect the goods? But why is no one else seated near the jail windows?

I finally came to the conclusion that I was given the office with bars on the windows because I’ve got that dog in me. One may look at the bars on the windows as a last act of defense but they are actually keeping the public safe from ME. I’m foaming at the mouth, gnawing on the iron bars, and barking at the men who look at me sideways. You’re welcome, greater Chicago area. BARK BARK BARK BARK