Chicago Gangster Tour Hijacked by Ghost of Al Capone”
The bean, the architecture boat tour, getting divorced at the Weiner Circle… Tourist traps are prevalent in our fair city of Chicago. While it may be fun to get shitfaced at shit fountain, there’s truly no greater must-see than a real Chicago GHOSTS AND GANGSTERS TOUR. You know these tours (I know these tours because I’ve applied for and been rejected from all of them), they’re the big buses that lead you down murder alleys and, if you’re lucky, a Garrett’s Popcorn. For years, tourists have been delighted by stories of tunnels and Tommy guns told by men who look like they could’ve been pulled out of the depths of Lake Michigan two hours prior to knocking your out-of-town socks off.
Side note: We’re all way too cool about how many bodies they’re pulling out of that big soup every summer.
Flash forward to last night's tour. Tammy from Rendville, Ohio (Go Cougars! Grr!) got her ticket with her hotel stay, 16-year-old Timothy from Naperville was ditched by his big-city uncle, and the deep dish biking tour was sold out, leaving a disgruntled Frank from DC trying to put on a happy face. The tour started normally. Tammy made a pass at Burt, the seasoned tour guide. Timothy got yelled at for sticking a Zynn on one of the lions in front of the Art Institute. Frank pouted. Like I said, normal. Suddenly, as they passed the Chicago Pizza Grinder, the second worst thing to happen on that block, beat only by the infamous Valentine’s Day Massacre that happened across the street (I hate those pizzas in a cup crazy-style), a well-dressed short man in a fedora joined their modest crowd. He introduced himself as Al…vin and said he was running late due to “unfinished business”. Burt was annoyed, but when is he not? They proceeded. They go through all the big cheeses: Pretty Boy Floyd, Bugsy Siegel, and of course, Alfonso Gabriel “Scarface” “Snorky” Capone. Burt quizzed them on Al facts in a segment he called “You just got CapOWNED” (Burt’s killing his Annoyance internship). “How did Al get his legendary scar? Anyone?” This was our newcomer's time to shine; he started waxing poetic about how Al got in a big fight with a big shark and won in the middle of a gas fire. Burt had no time for these lies. He informed them that Al Capone bullied a little girl and got his shit rocked by her older brother. Truth. Alvin’s shoulders hunched a bit. Burt went on to tell them about Capone’s kidnapping of musician Fats Waller to play at his birthday party. Truth. How he went to jail not for his bloody score but rather for a dinky case of tax evasion. With each tidbit, Alvin got quieter and quieter, clearly embarrassed. Burt was in the middle of telling the group how Capone got out of Alcatraz, not through an epic escape but because of his good behavior and abysmal banjo playing, when Alvin simply couldn’t take it anymore. “I’M THE GHOST OF AL CAPONE!” He blurted. The group was not impressed. Tammy got bored and resumed her juvenile flirting with Burt, Frank started crying, and Timothy started bullying Al in that cruel way only teens from the suburbs can.
Al wandered off, muttering to himself. “You’re Scarface. You don’t need them. You don’t need anybody. You’re top banana.” The man wept as he pulled out his banjo from behind a divvy bike. Legend has it that if you take out your AirPods on the red line, you can still hear him playing Creep.