The Democrats Are At It Again! I Found A Copy Of ‘The Communist Manifesto’ In My Niece’s Halloween Candy

ATTENTION ALL PARENTS OF THE WHEATON-WARRENVILLE AREA!!!!!!!!!

My niece, Kaycee, went trick-or-treating with her friends in the neighborhood like she always does. She is 12, so her mom (my sister) agreed that she would be okay without a parent supervising. WE REGRET THAT NOW!!!!

When she came home for supper, I IMMEDIATELY knew something was off. My dear Kaycee was NOT her usual, chirpy self. She did NOT walk through the door and say, “Aunt Carol! I have 56 pieces of good sized candy!” with glee (she likes to accumulate as much value as she can. We are teaching her at a young age what the meaning of hard work is, like her dad does buying up dentist offices for private equity). When Kaycee’s mom and I went to go check her bag, I found a copy of Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto nestled between a couple of Twix wrappers. My sister nearly fainted at the sight. I wanted to call the police.

My sister demanded Kaycee to explain herself. She said one of her friend’s parents must have slipped it in her bag (the RICHARDSONS on Country Farm Road to be exact!)

The book was confiscated and burned immediately, but it was too late.

Kaycee, our beautiful, smart, talented Kaycee…she said she shared the big pieces with some of the other kids trick-or-treating who had less good candy. Saying she wanted to “redistribute the wealth.” Just hearing those words makes me feel SICK. We always taught the kids in our family to dominate over the others, to bully other kids that are at least 6 inches shorter and take their Halloween candy because life just isn’t FAIR LIKE THAT. All of the children in our family are gigantic and that means we should get more of the candy!!!

Ever since the incident, Kaycee has been completely different. She’s started spewing nonsense after her dad bought his third fuel-inefficient Ford F-150, calling it wasteful and a “harm on the environment.” The environment is fine and global warming is a hoax!!!! She wanted to take the METRA to the Cubs game last week instead of driving in traffic for two and a half hours. Like we would EVER ride a train with the general public!!!

Instead of family game night playing Monopoly, she now wants to stay holed up in her room to “read theory” and chat with some friends online about something called praxis??? She used to LOVE Monopoly. She would always beat us with her new money laundering rules she would make up. Her creativity was so beautiful. Now??? She is spewing out vocabulary words that sound satanic. She even expressed a desire to go to a poetry reading in Aurora (we would NEVER go to Aurora, it is scary!!!)

This book has obviously ruined the family, and especially my dear dear Kaycee. She only had access to the writings of Marx for maybe two hours at most and we can’t even recognize her anymore! After Kaycee called us members of the bourgeoise, her mom had to ground her for at least two weeks with NO READING, since she was obviously getting more dangerous ideas elsewhere. This was really hard to do because midterms at school are coming up, but we are working with the school to have a religious exemption.

Remember, dear neighbors, that trick-or-treating on Halloween seems fun and harmless, but there are SICK people with dangerous intentions all over the place…and you would never know until it’s too late. I am hoping that my beautiful niece Kaycee will return to us, as a normal, capital-loving member of this township. BE WARNED!!!!!!