Guy Rides Bus for Free by Scaring Everyone
Chicagoans pay $2.25 to ride the CTA bus everyday, but one man has managed to ride the city’s public transit for free for the last 15 years. His tactic? Creating a sense of discomfort and fear.
Meet Rufus Dreyfus, the CTA free rider. “I get on the bus the same way everytime,” Rufus explained. “First, I slap one of the passenger windows. Then, I yell loudly outside the bus. I get on calmly, and shuffle past the driver. Unlike him, I stop for no one.” Rufus went on to explain a variety of different scare tactics that included the following:
Sit in the single seat behind the driver. Accuse a random person of looking at him. Use broad hand gestures.
Refuse to sit down, no matter how many empty seats are available. Stalk up and down the front of the bus, intimidating everyone. Mutter quietly under his breath, “It’s time for everyone to meet God.”
Sit in two seats at once. Stand up abruptly and yell about how his stop was missed (his stop does not exist). Slam the windows inside the bus. Get off the bus angrily and yell, “YOU’RE ALL VIPERS!”
Some of Rufus’ favorite scare phrases are, “I’m gonna kill TWO birds with ONE stone!”, “BOOM! BOOM! This bus is gonna blow!”, and “Garblegarblegarblegarblerawr!”.
“I had one bad day fifteen years ago and got on the bus scary. That was my first taste of freedom. I’ve never looked back,” Rufus said wistfully. To the surprise of many, Rufus is a partner at a prominent law firm in downtown Chicago. He scares on his way to and from the office. “Sometimes if tourists are too slow on the sidewalk I go a little nutso. Throw my suit jacket over my head and act like a ghost. They sure walk fast then!”
Due to high demand from fellow bus riders, Rufus is now offering classes on how to scare. “It’s an eight week course costing $200 a class. But trust me, you’ll get your money back in bus savings.”
“I took Rufus’ class and learned how to smell overwhelmingly like cat piss,” explained Danielle Rochester, one of Rufus’ students. “I always get a seat on the bus now!”
“I also took Rufus’ class,” said former student, Niles Wade. “I got arrested.” Niles ran his coffee cup back and forth across his prison cell bars.
When asked if he feels responsible for any of his students being arrested, Rufus said, “No. Now if you’ll excuse me, my bus is here.” Rufus slapped the side of the bus like an old enemy and shouted, “SOMEONE GIVE ME THEIR BONES!,” before riding off into the Chicago sunset.