Blind Boxes: Gambling for Hot Girls
I am no stranger to gambling. At 13 years old I picked the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby, Orb, and promptly got my family expelled from the neighborhood watch party. In college, I had a roommate sit me down and tell me I needed to stop buying scratch offs. I take the red line in Chicago at 1am by myself. What can I say? I live for the thrill. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that if I’m spending money I need some sort of return. The current political climate has crushed my blind optimism that I’ll win big and I’m sick of coming up empty. I NEED to WIN. SOMETHING. ANYTHING. And that’s when I found the blind box.
What’s a blind box? It’s a surprise toy. You don’t know which one you’ll get but you’ll get SOMETHING. PLEASE, GOD, ANYTHING. Anywho, they come in millions of varieties but my sin of choice is the Tokidoki Unicorno. They’re little horses. I am a 26 year old woman with a wall of little horses. Some of them are mermaids. Some have cool extra features like transparent noggins. It’s really giving shapes and colors in a way that heals the soul. And if I get the Farmer’s Market edition and don’t get the little horse selling jam I WILL LOSE MY MIND. PLEASE. THIS IS ALL I HAVE LEFT. I’m exaggerating. I’ll just keep buying them again and again and again until I get the one I want. The adrenaline rush of opening the box and seeing which one you get is like a cocaine high. I imagine. Believe it or not, horse girl does not do cocaine.
But it’s not a problem because I’m always getting something. I can’t lose. I won’t lose. They won’t let me lose. If I lose they’re taking the house. I think I’ve spent over $700 on these horses. That’s over half a month’s rent. I could buy months worth of groceries. Or finally go see a therapist like my doctor’s been begging me to do. But I don’t need to spend the money on therapy. Horses are my therapy. But that’s not a problem. It’s a hobby. A hobby that makes me feel both really really good and like I should burn it all down. The highest highs and the lowest lows.