Woman Doesn’t Show Up For Her Assisted Suicide, Employees Are Worried

Staff at Bayside Forever have expressed concern after Constance Merrigold didn’t show up for her assisted suicide appointment. “We allow a fifteen minute window for clients to be late, but Constance is now over a week late for her appointment,” explains clinic manager, Penny Holiday. “We’re very worried about her. The late fees are piling up, too.”

Constance is not the first patient at Bayside Forever to not show up for an appointment. “I get really scared when a patient doesn’t show up,” says Stephanie Lurchin, a nurse at Bayside Forever. “Like…people come here to die. If they’re not dead here, then where are they?”

“I’m at home,” says terminally ill patient Laurence Pastel. He coughs up a lung. “They’re always calling to confirm my appointment, but I don’t answer my phone for anyone.” We asked Bayside if this was true and a representative told us, “Yes, due to our scheduling system all appointments and confirmations must be made by phone. Laurence also never answers my calls.”

“I’d die before I’d call to schedule an appointment!” Laurence yelled at us. His heart stopped immediately after. Time of death: 11:45 a.m.

To the surprise of everyone at Bayside Forever, Constance Merrigold showed up three weeks and 40 phone calls later. “I wanted to go on one last camping trip before I kicked the bucket,” she explained. “I had no cell service. While I was out there, I realized I have so much life left to live.”

We asked Constance about the $12,000 in late fees she had collected while away. “Oh, I forgot about that…well, I don’t have that much life to live.”