Woman Legally Marries Mr. Mucus During Mucinex DM Induced Weekend in Vegas
When Molly Pocket landed in Vegas for a friend's bachelorette weekend, she never expected to leave Sin City with a husband of her own, much less an A list celeb.
Pocket says it all began when she started having flu-like symptoms a few days before the trip. “I was pretty sick but I was trying to power through for Kat. Her sister had to stay home to put down her dog and she uninvited her to the wedding, so I wasn't taking any chances.” Molly says she was pushing fluids and a metric fuckton of Mucinex DM to stay alert for the festivities. The itinerary was planned to the second: mimosas on the plane, Uber to brunch, mimosas in the Uber, mimosas at brunch, yell at the bartender, mimosas in the bathroom of the brunch restaurant, and so on. All were expected to participate, Molly being no exception.
After taking what her doctor later called “a dosage of Mucinex high enough to kill a large horse or small elephant” Molly hit the Vegas strip with the bride-to-be and her closest captives. There did not seem to be much concern amongst the bridal party as to the interactions of copious amounts of alcohol and cold medicine. One anonymous bridesmaid claimed “There's actually a lot of vitamin C in mimosas, so it was probably the best thing for her at the time”. Twelve mimosas later, Molly's life was changed forever.
“It was love at first sight.” Recalls Pocket fondly. “I was throwing up into the Bellagio fountains and I heard a phlegmy voice behind me say ‘you got the flu or something?’” Pocket mentions she was initially mortified, but when she looked past the now orangish mist of the fountains, she knew she had nothing to be embarrassed about.
“I looked into his bile-green eyes and I just knew. He was super into it.” And who exactly was this mystery man? None other than famous celebrity and nuisance, Mr. Mucus. “He went to pull back my hair, grazing a snotty hand past my cheek. I don't know what came over me, but he must have been thinking the same thing, because we kissed right then and there.” Pocket described the rest of her evening in vivid detail, (much of which had to be redacted from this article but is available on www.archiveofourown.com), the culmination of which was a wedding ceremony at a drive-thru chapel in the heart of the city.
“It wasn't exactly the wedding I dreamed of as a little girl, but what else was I supposed to do? The hat man officiated! And that's a different kind of fairy tale.” But not all fairytales have a happy ending it seems, as Pocket states she has not been able to find her husband since recovering from her illness.
“We made plans to travel the world together, to buy an awesome globby house together. You don't make those kind of promises over your ex-wife’s grave if you don't mean them” said Pocket. “I mean maybe we're just passing ships in a congested, inflamed night, but I hope not. I really hope not.”
“Besides…I wouldn't want our little slimeball to grow up without a father” Pocket revealed that she’s expecting, with the baby due next flu season.