Is It Cake Or Do I Have Pica?
Here’s the deal. Last weekend, my sister had a birthday party for my nephew Adam, and I arrived hungry and left so full, I had to call my doctor. Kids’ birthday parties are a gauntlet in the era of Mikey Day and his fabulous Netflix show Is It Cake?. Like, how am I supposed to know what stuff in my sister’s house was Adam’s cake and what was just an object that looked freaking delicious?
Well anyways, now Dr. Spielberg (no relation) thinks I might have Pica, a disorder where you want to consume various inedible objects. Here’s what I ate, and whether or not it was cake or was a potential symptom of Pica:
Ice: PICA
Okay, yeah. I guess going around chomping on ice going, “Wow, I can’t believe this is cake!” doesn’t make the most sense. But it looked so mouthwatering and I don’t regret it, even if my sister did start giving me looks and whispering, “please, be normal for Adam today.” Hell, I want to eat some more right now! But Dr. Spielberg said it’s a “Pica symptom for sure.” Damn.
Chalk: PICA
Yes, chalk is a total Pica vibe apparently. My sister homeschools Adam so there’s legit chalk all over. Yeah, I got a craving and I munched! Sue me! My sister certainly wanted to. She thought me eating the chalk was my statement on being anti-homeschool, an argument we’ve had time and time again. But honestly, there was no motivation behind this other than those rods just lookin’ darn tasty!
Interestingly, Dr. Spielberg said this is actually a pregnancy thing, so he made me take a pregnancy test, even though I’m on the pill and I’ve only ever done over-the-clothes hand stuff. He’s so weird.
Dirt: CAKE
Now this one was just a twisted fucking joke–my sick sister made this thing out of, like, crumbs and fake worms and pudding? The kids were going crazy for this shit. But it was disgusting and I guess supposed to be like dirt? I don’t know, it tasted nothing like dirt. It was just fucking gross. And I let my sister have a piece of my mind about it, too. Man, she did not like that. Dr. Spielberg said it’s food though, so eating it was not an indication of Pica, just something I deeply regret. Blech.
Cake Made By Cake Boss Star Buddy Valastro: PICA
Yeah, this one was really confusing to me too. My sister got this cake from the cake boss store in Times Square, and I went to town on that thing. Turns out, it was mostly fondant, rice krispy treat, PVC pipes and sawdust holding up the facade of the cake. So eating it was actually a major Pica indication… yeah. Kind of embarrassing for everyone involved.
^Pretty much how I looked devouring that yummy cake hahaha
All in all, this was a terrible day for me. Not only do I totally have Pica, my sister is balls-to-the-wall pissed at me. I guess she just wants me to be some boring loser who eats, like, what? Oatmeal and porridge? Would that make her happy? If I had just eaten stew and porridge and oatmeal at Adam’s party, would she have decided not to accuse me of stealing his thunder in front of everyone there, including the magician, whom I had previously matched with on Hinge? I think she just wanted an excuse to yell at me. Shoot– gotta go. I have to take my iron supplements.