Ew! You Won’t Believe Which Foods Are Made Using Bugs That Once Crawled From The Vagina Of A Monster From Hell
We all know processed foods often contain ingredients that we’d rather NOT think about: Cartilage? Wood chips?!? Otter glands?!?!? Well wait until you hear about all the foods you know and love that are made from bugs that were born in, and crawled from, the vagina of Horamalimania, a monster that lives in hell and tortures the folks that live there. Prepare to be freaking grossed out, hungry, and a little turned on!
1- Oreos
Oreos are technically vegan, but only because the bugs that crawl from within Horamalimania’s cavernous vagina are not “alive,” but rather “puppets” of sorts, animated by the spirit of Horamalimania. They also contain a chemical that can be made into a preservative, which keeps Oreos fresh and crispy well after production. Can you say “crunch?!” It may not be right, but it sure tastes good!
2- GU Energy Gel
Jogging community, hear ye hear ye! These packets of gooey gel, used to fuel long distance exercise, are actually derived from the hard exoskeleton of Horamalimania’s vagina bugs. Eating vagina bugs is nowhere near as unsettling as watching a guy in spandex slorping on a tube of goo. Horamalimania is known to use her bugs to torture sinners for weeks on end, biting at them perpetually to break their spirit before they meet Horamalimania herself. This means their exoskeleton contains energetic nutrients that keep the bugs alive, but when pulverized and made into goo, they keep runners going and going and going. Way to take “girls run the world” literally, Horamalamania!
3- Nutty Buddies
Horamalimania is known to specialize in the torture of those with peanut allergies (As for why this qualifies as a sin, we’re just as puzzled as you! Take it up with the devil! Haha). The bugs that crawl from her fearsome vagina contain chemical compounds that mimic peanuts, and can be crushed up and used to enhance the flavor of peanut butter treats. Nutty!
4- Diet Mr. Pibb
Okay, this one you probably already know. Legend has it, many years ago, Diet Mr. Pibb hadn’t been released to the public because the flavor just wasn’t quite right. Then, a horde of bugs crawled–at an unsettling speed–straight from Horamalimania’s terrifying, haunted vagina and into a gigantic vat of the stuff! While throwing it out due to contamination, a drop flew into the mouth of Thelonious Pibb himself, who immediately cried out in ecstasy. He soon died, but not before proclaiming this batch of Diet Mr. Pibb to be perfect. This is now the formula used in all cans of Diet Mr. Pibb!
Okay, I think we can all agree: if Horamalamania and her unprecedented and fabulous vagina absolutely chock full of bugs are wrong, we do NOT want to be right! These foods are delicious and I can’t wait to go to hell very, very soon and be tortured by her forever! Cheers to you, mama!
Artwork by Sophie Wheeless